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EWmums

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ewmoda

If I am bad at making mummy friends, how will this affect my children?

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115

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 01 October 2011 - 21:52

Novice I feel exactly the same as you! I have a 13 month old boy and am TTC a brother or sister for him. I only get to one playgroup a week and feel that I am making him miss out on making friends because I struggle with meeting new people myself. All my friends here either have older kids or no kids and most of my friends I have met through my old job or through my DH and the wives of his golfing buddies. I am not the kind of person to have a huge social circle, I prefer a small group of close friends. I am have been told by a friend of mine back in the UK who is a school teacher that she can tell which kids have been to nursery and which have just gone straight into school and this has made me more determined to put my son into part time nursery when he is a bit older but sometimes do wonder if he should be spending more time with children now. My mummy friends tell me that when they took their child at this age to playgroups they would play by themselves anyway so I haven't been too concerned in a way. I came on here tonight as I was just about to post and ask which are the best playgroups in my area :)

Hello.Again.Kitty

1861

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 01 October 2011 - 08:50

I recall once taking on of my charges (when I was a nanny) to a music group. There was a woman who's little girl was quite a big girl. The one week she missed the lesson, all the mums (including her 2 "bff's") made fat jokes at her little girls expense. . That's horrid! But I guess that if these women weren't picking on the little girl, they'd be gossipping and b*tching behind their reception desks at work... There are horrid people like that all over the place who really have nothing better to do... just as there are plenty (the majority?!) who are lovely. The great shame is that the lovely ones are less vocal about being lovely than the b*tchy ones about being nasty pieces of work!

730

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EW GURU

Latest post on 30 September 2011 - 21:22

So have I just been really unlucky then? I recall once taking on of my charges (when I was a nanny) to a music group. There was a woman who's little girl was quite a big girl. The one week she missed the lesson, all the mums (including her 2 "bff's") made fat jokes at her little girls expense. And I've seen and heard a fair share of it since becoming a mum too. Bitching and mumupmanship galore. Anyway, didn't mean to sound like such a killjoy/sour puss... There ARE lovely ladies out there.

kiwispiers15400

2782

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 30 September 2011 - 20:42

Oh you're not the only one... And TBH, I don't think we're missing out much. I've heard first hand how these mummies who later become friends b1tch n moan about eachother behind their backs. No thank you. No for me. :( How sad if that were always true. Certainly not my experience. I miss my very real, Dubai-made 'Mummy friends' every day. Novice...I like the suggestion of inviting a couple of Mums for a playdate at yours or at a local park once the weather is kinder. You just need to trust your gut when you meet these women and try to find a couple that 'feel right' for you. I agree, it would be truly sad to discount all the genuinely lovely friends I have made through playgroups and coffee mornings as fake and b%tchy. Make as many friends as you need to be happy, (and a few extra, because a sad fact of expat life is that people are always leaving), and then focus your time on building those friendships because as a mum you do NEED real friends you can ask advice, get tips from, help each other out if a child is sick etc, we are along way from family here (well many of us are) and it can be lonely if you are a SAHM. But the only way this will affect your child is if you become so isolated that you are depressed, or don't get to let of steam and take it out on your kids, so don't feel the need to be a social butterfly if you're hating it, but don't write off all the lovely women out there just yet.... And yes, my vote for having a small playgroup at your own house, I've been selectively picking and collecting lovely ladies from playgroups ever since my son was born so I can socialise without getting so far out of my comfort zone (honestly I can only handle so many babies/so much noise in a room, and my preferred limit is around 5 so my hat is off to those generous mums who open their homes to more!)

2340

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EW EXPERT

Latest post on 30 September 2011 - 14:12

Oh you're not the only one... And TBH, I don't think we're missing out much. I've heard first hand how these mummies who later become friends b1tch n moan about eachother behind their backs. No thank you. No for me. :( How sad if that were always true. Certainly not my experience. I miss my very real, Dubai-made 'Mummy friends' every day. Novice...I like the suggestion of inviting a couple of Mums for a playdate at yours or at a local park once the weather is kinder. You just need to trust your gut when you meet these women and try to find a couple that 'feel right' for you.

Hello.Again.Kitty

1861

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EW EXPERT

Latest post on 30 September 2011 - 11:48

Oh you're not the only one... And TBH, I don't think we're missing out much. I've heard first hand how these mummies who later become friends b1tch n moan about eachother behind their backs. No thank you. No for me. well, then, they were never really friends in the first place, were they? I have no time for pretend "friendships" and won't play that game with people, so, as I said, like-minded people tend to gravitate towards eachother and with one notable exception, every single person that I consider a close friend here is entirely genuine and utterly lovely.

730

Posts

EW GURU

Latest post on 30 September 2011 - 09:26

Oh you're not the only one... And TBH, I don't think we're missing out much. I've heard first hand how these mummies who later become friends b1tch n moan about eachother behind their backs. No thank you. No for me.

Annabelle0921001

236

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 29 September 2011 - 21:35

Oh believe me you are not the only one! I really dislike playgroups and classes!! I force myself to go because my DD likes to play!

101

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 29 September 2011 - 20:18

I am delighted to read this thread because I can relate in the situation. It is you again Kiwispier and Hello.Again.Kitty. You're heaven sent to me (even if I dont know you personally).

Hello.Again.Kitty

1861

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 29 September 2011 - 18:30

and to add if you are doing playgroups etc daily, you're doing a lot more than me! I'm up for a maximum of two playdate/playgroups a week, more often its one. Toddlers might enjoy an outing but ultimately its time with mummy that is more important for them developmentally and a lot of the social events are more designed for the mums to get out of the house in a chid friendly way. yeah, and playdates are one thing (with one or two other mums), but I feel really uncomfortable in larger groups (yup, really!) and generally avoid the largest ones unless I know someone there, who then gets the dubious pleasure of me sticking close for the duration!

kiwispiers15400

2782

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 29 September 2011 - 17:27

and to add if you are doing playgroups etc daily, you're doing a lot more than me! I'm up for a maximum of two playdate/playgroups a week, more often its one. Toddlers might enjoy an outing but ultimately its time with mummy that is more important for them developmentally and a lot of the social events are more designed for the mums to get out of the house in a chid friendly way.

206

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 29 September 2011 - 17:02

Novice, your LO is so young. I don't think he is missing out on making friends yet. My boy is 38 months, for the past 3 years we have been to numerous playdates and he goes full time to daycare. But only recently, he has started to develop deeper relationships with other kids. Looking back, he was just not ready earlier, too young. I don't think not having chit chat with other moms and not organising playdates will affect your LO's social life too much at this stage. It all begins in school etc. I feel playdates are often more for mommies than for kids :) Yes, children get distracted, it's interesting for them to see other small people and new toys. But for developing social relationships? We keep on calling it a "playdate", whereas me myself I'm making friends :) Don't worry too much about it, at least with 18 months.

kiwispiers15400

2782

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 29 September 2011 - 16:44

Wel I just posted about the opposite dilemma http://www.expatwoman.com/qatar/forum/messages.aspx?TopicID=160339. I'm not sure I'd agree that mummy friends aren't "friends", most friends are met through a common interest or situation (work friends etc) and there is a lot to be said for being around people who are going through a similar phase/similar issues to you but that doesn't mean that you will instantly like everyone you sit down with at a coffee group, and keep in mind that they might be just as bored with talking about the consistency of their baby's poo and who's baby is sleeping through the night as you are, but much like talking about the weather, its just a conversation starter and eventually you will find those you click with, at which point you can invite them to your own playgroup and get to know them better.

1238

Posts

EW OLDHAND

Latest post on 29 September 2011 - 16:36

They say that friends you meet because of your kids aren't really friends. There was an article in 7days a while back about how those mummy friends secretly dislike each other :) But if you are the quiet one in the corner, I'd start by looking at the play group strategically, deciding who your son seems to get along best with or who is the "alpha" mom and then asking for a playdate yourself. Making mummy friends is difficult and I always feel like a shark circling before I get my courage up to ask for a playdate!

Hello.Again.Kitty

1861

Posts

EW EXPERT

Latest post on 29 September 2011 - 15:47

Don't worry about it - just because you may happen to have children the same age, doesn't mean to say that you're going to be bosom buddies with everyone you meet. You'll find that just as at work, you'll have close friends, a circle of good friends and a wider circle of acquaintances. I've made some really good friends though my children, just as I've made some through the internet, through my work or through my uni course(s). You don't have to be a socialite to get on! It may help though to think of it in terms of work - you know, like to get a project done, you'll have to "get on" with a team of people - no-one's asking you to be best mates, but just to be nice, have a bit of pleasant chit-chat and that's that really. You'll find like-minded people in any situation... If it's any help, only of my friends set this[url= https://www.facebook.com/Social.Phobia.Anxiety.Parents'>group[/url'> up for parents who face exactly this kind of issue. You're not alone, believe me! <em>edited by Hello.Again.Kitty on 29/09/2011</em>

Madame Banoffee48321

57

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 29 September 2011 - 15:47

Hi Novice Why don't you suggest a play date yourself - it's getting close to park weather now... - suggest a time/date and see how it goes - there is nothing to stop you! Do you have the email addresses of some of the mums? Sometimes it is easier if you do it by email rather than suggesting to them all in a group if you are feeling daunted or if you are worried about missing anyone out. or get all their mobile numbers and just send out a mass SMS! It's probably not that anyone has left you out on purpose but I'm sure if you organise something lots of people will go. Good luck!

32

Posts

EW NEWBIE

Latest post on 29 September 2011 - 15:11

I have an 18 month old and the 2nd on the way. I attend a playgroup or class with my little boy nearly every day, but have not established any real mummy friendships, nothing beyond baby small talk at the class/playgroup. I have noticed that many of the other mums on the "circuit" have become friends over the months and the other mums at our weekly playgroup are meeting up for impromptu playgroups on other days of the week and nights out, about which I only find out afterwards! I am not a "group" person or the kind to easily make friends, and it has never bothered me (well, not since puberty), I have always valued a few close long-term friendships rather than a busy social agenda and have never really enjoyed large gatherings of people, mingling, networking etc... used to really enjoy travelling on my own!... so would not normally feel a deep desire to be "included". But now that I'm a mum I worry about my LO missing out on opportunities to socialise and am upset by how upset I am about my social shortcomings! For now, I know my little boy is getting enough social stimulation just by being around other kids for an hour or so every day and beginning to recognise some of the kids that he sees regularly. But I guess at some point soon I will need to start helping him to build his first friendships, and right now I feel ill equipped to do so. My question is, how worried should I be? I am scared that my children will not be invited to playdates if I am unpopular with the mummies ;) None of my long time friends have kids of the same age as mine. At what age do children stop depending on the mothers for social opportunities? My two will be close enough in age to be able to play together at home (lets hope they get along!) and I plan to send them to nursery part time at the age of 2 or 3 years. Can I relax about this for now or should I worry? I am already dreading the daily chit chat with the other mums at the school gates in a couple of years, it feels as if I am doomed to return to the catty high school playground myself! Any all female environment like that stresses me out...!! Your wisdom please :)

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