Rant: Fed up of being judged about formula feeding bub :(

I faced the same problem, very little milk that i had to use the formula and in the end the milk stopped. People (some) can not understand why i amn not BF.... I have been told sooooo many times "if you drink lots of liquids it will come", "if you are patient and keep trying it will work" .... well it did not. I was very upset and unhappy but my baby needed to eat and she is happy, has great weight, no colic and that is what matters to me. The others, they can keep their BF advices for themselves now....i just ignore them and their comments. As long as your baby is healthy and happy and fine that is what matters...and every baby is different and every baby will meet his/her milestones at their own pace. People will always have something to comment.....

One of my friends went through something very, very similar to you, which meant that although she wanted to, she couldn't breastfeed. She tried, though, for 3 weeks, denying herself the care she needed in order to at least try to bf... her baby didn't put on any weight and she ended up with an infection so bad, she was hospitalised. Anyhow, what really matters is that your baby is being fed in the best possible way that's open to you. Everyone has to make a choice based on their circumstances and well, that's that. Try to be at peace with your decision and proud that you tried - many don't even go that far - and that in the end, you made a tough call and followed through with it. Every mother is judged at some point - if it's not how we choose to feed our children, it'll be on when we start weaning or potty-training, how we discipline, when and where we send them to school or nursery, whether we work, or not... and at the end of it, every man and his dog seems to think they know exactly how you should be raising your children, without either knowing you, or your child! Open season! However, [i'>if [/i'>you feel strongly about your baby getting breastmilk, then do look at https://www.facebook.com/HM4HBUAE who coordinate milk donation from or for any mum who wants it.

elaineganm - Would love to chat if you want to. I am going away for a short holiday and will be back at the end of January. Maybe we can catch up then?

If it makes you feel any better, I felt judged many times when I was breastfeeding DS so no matter how you feed your child, you'll aways find someone who'll pick faults with what you're doing. I was sitting in a friend's garden in the UK feeding DS when her step-sister popped by. She said to me, "Uggh, why are you breastfeeding? You're doing it all wrong. Get him on a bottle then your husband can do most of the work. Uggh, that's the most unnatural thing ever." Honestly you are damned if you do, damned if you don't. I've been told I'm "gross" and "grotty" to still be breastfeeding, [b'>every single time[/b'> I've hit an obstacle (nursing strike, blocked ducts, bad latch) the majority of people have told me to give up, that my milk must be inferior, that some people aren't meant to breastfeed....). I had an abscess too and in the ER room the Dr asked if DS took any formula and when I said no he exchanged a glance with the nurse that was as though I'd added ''and I make him sleep on a bed of nails". I had to have surgery to drain it with daily dressing changes (i'm sure you know how that goes) and every single day I'd have to ask the Dr (a diff one each time) not to cover my nipple with the tape and have then tell me "but you can't FEED him", (again with bed of nails look). My FF friends (who were already visibly annoyed that I was still BF and therefore couldn't go for girls days out or weekends away) responded with "so naturally you've stopped feeding then" when I told them about it and gave me dirty looks when I said I had continued, not something I needed when I was going through such a tough time!. So maybe the rant should be, fed up about being judged, full stop, because clearly you can never win! I think I've gone through just about every hiccup and nightmare that there is with BF, and with that behind me, what I try to say to any friends who are also going through a tough time is not "give up" or "keep going" because I think that is their choice, but simply "yeah that sucks, I HATED BF at times, I'm glad its not like that now". If they ask for help then I tell them what worked for me, because that is what I needed, not opinions, just acknowledgement of what I was going through and support to get me to where I wanted to be. I hope your good friends can do that for you, in general not just with BF/FF.

Your poor girl, take it easy and be kind to yourself. My children are alot older but really felt for you as I had a tough time with pregnancy and premature children, infections etc. If you want to try and breast feed still, just keep at it no matter how small the amount is, give the baby formula without guilt. Rest/ decent sleep and eating well are key to getting better and stronger and improving your milk supply. If one is on antibiotics, in my time, one still had to express to keep it going so use a hand/electric pump so if you want to keep trying ( unfortunately the milk had to be thrown out during that period). Some people give up very easily others do not and sounds as if your having it tougher than others so be good to yourself and if your feel you cannot keep trying just try and accept it and maybe next time you will be able to. As a parent there will be many things one cannot do/achieve as one wants and it is also important to learn sometimes it is best left for now but at least one gave it a good try. I wish you well. <em>edited by McB on 21/01/2012</em>

Listen my love, nobody has any right to judge any mum with regards as to how they raise their babies. I was unable to BF both of my children much beyond the first couple of weeks of their lives for a variety of reasons. They are now 32 and 29 and perfectly healthy and happy. Funnily enough they have no recollection of their babyhood so don't let anyone drone on about bonding or the way you feed your baby. Of course breast feeding is the natural way to feed a baby but it is certainly not the be and end all. As someone said before, feeding is only a tiny part of nurturing a tiny life. My children grew up in the knowledge that they were loved. They were also allowed to get dirty and roll in mud etc!! You are a lovely mum Im sure, Enjoy your baby and ignore the know alls ! :)

I just want to say that I understand what you're going through. I'd love to tell you that it's easy to just forget about the people who judge, but it's easier said than done. And when you go through something like that, even if people aren't judging, we think they are (or at least I did). I don't know if it's the hormones or the guilt or the sadness. My son is 14 months old and thinking about it still, I get a little defensive - I realize that's my issue. But there are so many people out there who when you mention that you have a problem either a) don't believe you and just think you're not trying hard enough/giving up too easily or b) encourage you to keep trying and trying "because it gets easier" without first asking if it's really the best thing for the mother. Yes, it is best for the baby, but not when the mother is feeling guilty or frustrated or upset or in pain or exhausted from trying everything she possibly can. Sure, it gets easier if you don't have to deal with other medical issues. Maybe that is selfish, but I think I listened too much to other people instead of to my own body. And it is nice to hear the encouraging words (all true) that you lovely ladies have written before me, but when you're in that place where the OP is (I'm guessing, or maybe just me reliving my horrible experience!), it's hard to let those words in and accept them. Hormones can really throw you for a loop. My long story short - with 1st child had supply issues similar to you, although no infections or c-section or anything. Just dried up after 1 month and was never really much of anything in the first place. The big joke was I was supplementing the formula with the teeny bit of breast milk I was able to produce. Good news, 2nd time around, plenty. However, I couldn't get my son latched in the hospital and not until the 2nd day I got home. Then, it wasn't really coming out the way it was supposed to. I basically was in pain 24/7. Nothing gave me relief. And I felt so guilty because deep down, I knew I wanted to quit because it was the most excruciating thing I have ever experienced - and both my kids were natural unmedicated chid births, both over 4 kg), but ignored that voice and kept pushing because it was going to be fine, like everyone says. Turns out not fine - horrendous recurring mastitis, resulting in taking every strong antibiotic known to man, abscesses (fun!) and almost 3 months of torture in and out of hospital. I obviously had to stop BFing early on in the process in order to rid my body of the infection, but as I was lying in the hospital with bandages and IV tubes of latest wonder drug, I STILL had people saying, "Don't worry, you'll be up and lactating soon. It is the best for your child you know. You really need to get back to doing that." The words I wanted to use cannot be typed, or shouted at anyone here at all, really, so I just said, "Are you kidding me?" So I think you need to allow yourself this time to be angry and upset, but also try and think about what the real root of the guilt/depression is. Because I think a lot of the times it isn't just the fact that breast milk is better for your child. And you don't have to tell anyone but yourself. That really helped me to move on and accept the situation for what it is. One technique I found helpful was sitting in a quiet room for 15 minutes or whatever and using my non-dominant hand to write whatever comes into your head. Or if you can talk to a therapist or someone who can help you to focus on the positive thoughts (I did that too), it was really uplifting. I guess what I'm saying is, yes we need to hear the positive reinforcement from our friends, but until you make peace with it yourself, it's hard. I didn't mean to ramble on for 9 million paragraphs, but just let you know I support you, even if we don't know each other. It will get better. Please let me know if you want to talk more. It's easier sometimes talking to someone who's been there. And by the way, I don't think my kids are any more or less sick than other people's. I don't even think of it anymore because in the end, it doesn't matter. It isn't just breastfeeding that sets kids up to be healthy or smart - of course it helps, but really in the end it's a long-term multi-faceted success plan, I like to say. Give them lots of love, healthy food, exercise and fun (wow that sounds cheesy) and they'll be golden. Side note to anyone out there who helps women with breastfeeding - I realize that it's not in anyone's best interest to scare new moms, but I do wish someone would have gone over some of the "troubleshooting issues" in a little more practical way. I feel like wherever I had questions (here, USA with 1st child, etc.) it was like, "Oh, this or that can happen, but it's not a big deal and not very common. You just deal with it and keep going." Sometimes the solution isn't so cut and dried - when it's not, it ends up making you feel like a failure or a freak which is a horrible feeling. And whether or not that sounds rational, let's remember the hormone overload. And sometimes the solution is stopping, which no one mentions, hence the feelings of guilt. I'm going to stop typing now and get some sleep!:) Thank you for your patience!

She's how many kilos at two months?! Jeez-oh, that's a great weight! Seriously, give yourself a break. You practically killed yourself doing everything you could. You're still feeding her, nourishing her, nurturing her. You're doing what she needs. You sound like you're doing an amazing job so go easy on yourself! If it makes you feel any better, I felt judged many times when I was breastfeeding DS so no matter how you feed your child, you'll aways find someone who'll pick faults with what you're doing. I was sitting in a friend's garden in the UK feeding DS when her step-sister popped by. She said to me, "Uggh, why are you breastfeeding? You're doing it all wrong. Get him on a bottle then your husband can do most of the work. Uggh, that's the most unnatural thing ever."

Oh this makes me sad, dont be so hard on yourself, , you have waited so long to meet her, hold and get to know eachother so first be kind to yourself and enjoy your daughter completely guilt free, a mothers love, commitment, nurturing goes beyond breastmilk and formula.

Don't spend time worrying about these people! Enjoy every minute of your baby now as they grow up so quick - I bet you can't believe how the weeks have past. When they are 4 or 5 yrs old no-one ever asks if they were breast or bottle fed and in the playground there is no way you can ever tell the difference. Promise x

Am so sorry to hear you feel this way, I think maybe you are being too hard on yourself. Babies all grow at different rates and many breastfeeding mums have just the same worries about their babies being smaller than their friend's babies. it sounds like you tried really hard with breastfeeding, and so you are disappointed it didn't work out as you had planned but ultimately its far more important that your baby has a happy healthy mummy who is able to give her the love and support that she needs so much more than breastmilk. Also remember that the breastmilk she did get in that first month has already given her so many health benefits, so you can feel proud of the effort you made as well as feeling proud of your decision to move on when enough was enough. I doubt your friends are really judging you, if they are, well then they aren't really your friends. take care, keep loving your baby, and let yourself love being a mum. xx