I would like to go the funeral to pay my respects but? | ExpatWoman.com
 

I would like to go the funeral to pay my respects but?

401
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 09 October 2011 - 22:00

Not sure what to do here.

I'm back home and my ex DH's uncle unfortunately passed away. I'm so thankful that I managed to see him again before he passed away and his funeral is this week.

I've remained close to many members of my ex's family and therefore, to pay my respects and out of support for his wife I would wish to attend the funeral.

However by attending, I will be there as will the ex (don't really speak to him) and his wife (she was a friend!!!)

Would you go?

557
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EW GURU
Latest post on 11 October 2011 - 08:59
Someone said to me quite a few years ago that funerals are for the living, not for the dead. Made sense to me, as I'm certain the person who has passed does not care one way or the other if you attend their funeral, they know how you feel about them either way (at least that's how I see it). So for me, I would focus on the people still here, as it's all really for those left behind. In the end, would it affect your life significantly if you didn't go? If so, then do it - if not, then rethink it. Would it hurt the aunt, or make her feel bad if you weren't there? If so, then definitely go. I wouldn't worry too much about your ex-DH, he made his decisions, and he wasn't the poor guy dumped for no reason. If you really aren't going to see him, then don't worry if anyone else thinks you are. I would just keep my distance. When my DH's sister died, two of his ex-girlfriends came to the funeral. I know, not quite the same as an ex-wife, but still awkward. But he and his sister were close in age, and had a lot of mutual friends, and being that she passed before 40, it was quite traumatic to a lot of people. Was it uncomfortable that they were there? Yes, a bit. But they didn't hang out with DH or myself, they said hello, paid their respects, and then went on their way. I don't think that they did anything wrong by showing up. And I'm sure my MIL appreciated every single person that came to the funeral that day, as for her, it gave her some comfort to know that every person who showed up cared about her daughter, that her daughter meant something to others as well. Only you know yourself and everyone involved, so follow your heart, and do what you think is right. It doesn't matter what the rest of us think. ditto.
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 11 October 2011 - 08:48
Someone said to me quite a few years ago that funerals are for the living, not for the dead. Made sense to me, as I'm certain the person who has passed does not care one way or the other if you attend their funeral, they know how you feel about them either way (at least that's how I see it). So for me, I would focus on the people still here, as it's all really for those left behind. In the end, would it affect your life significantly if you didn't go? If so, then do it - if not, then rethink it. Would it hurt the aunt, or make her feel bad if you weren't there? If so, then definitely go. I wouldn't worry too much about your ex-DH, he made his decisions, and he wasn't the poor guy dumped for no reason. If you really aren't going to see him, then don't worry if anyone else thinks you are. I would just keep my distance. When my DH's sister died, two of his ex-girlfriends came to the funeral. I know, not quite the same as an ex-wife, but still awkward. But he and his sister were close in age, and had a lot of mutual friends, and being that she passed before 40, it was quite traumatic to a lot of people. Was it uncomfortable that they were there? Yes, a bit. But they didn't hang out with DH or myself, they said hello, paid their respects, and then went on their way. I don't think that they did anything wrong by showing up. And I'm sure my MIL appreciated every single person that came to the funeral that day, as for her, it gave her some comfort to know that every person who showed up cared about her daughter, that her daughter meant something to others as well. Only you know yourself and everyone involved, so follow your heart, and do what you think is right. It doesn't matter what the rest of us think.
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 11 October 2011 - 08:44
guinness - who cares what impression (doubtful if any though) she gives, the OP is going to pay her respects to someone she has known for a long time and who she cared for. I think if the family knew she cared greatly for the deceased, it would cause more of an impression if she didn't show up, and also who ever gets invited to a funeral - its not like a wedding, you are informed of the passing away and then its a personal decision to go or not to pay your respects- well in my opinion anyway. <em>edited by Lynn66 on 11/10/2011</em>
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 11 October 2011 - 08:27
That's a bit harsh considering the deceased is someone she thought a lot of! And as for people thinking she's still pining for her ex, maybe they will think she's moved on and isn't bothered by the sight of her ex. Or maybe they won't think anything at all. Not every 2nd wife is concerned that the ex is still chasing her first DH! Well she asked for my opinion (or didn't ask, but that's beside the point) and she can take it or leave it. At her peril. :D
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 11 October 2011 - 08:00
That's a bit harsh considering the deceased is someone she thought a lot of! And as for people thinking she's still pining for her ex, maybe they will think she's moved on and isn't bothered by the sight of her ex. Or maybe they won't think anything at all. Not every 2nd wife is concerned that the ex is still chasing her first DH!
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 11 October 2011 - 07:36
I'd be livid if my DH's ex-wife showed up at a family funeral. It would be humilitating for her as it would seem she still wanted to be with my DH and I wouldn't make it easy for her. I'm the wife now and if she loved his family so much, she shouldn't have let him go. I'm sorry to bring this subject up again but just re-reading the comments/advice, I cannot believe the statement made. Would you be livid if you, as the current wife but had only met the family concerned once, be so adamant that the ex who has known and is still in touch with the family concerned for so many years, be coming to pay her respects? I do not, in any way, want to be with my ex (It was I who divorced him on the grounds of adultery). And yes, I loved my ex to the ends of the earth until I realised he was making a fool of me by cheating but that does not stop me loving the other members of his family. So I don't think it would be humiliating for me to turn up to pay my respects. Do you? I do. Especially since the end wasn't a nice ending - he was cheating on you, after all! Do you really want to give the impression that you are still pining for him? Even if you aren't, people will probably think you are there more because of him than the dead guy in the box.
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 11 October 2011 - 06:54
You have to do what you want to but everyone will not agree with you..so be it. These times are about the person who has died , not about you or your husband or even his relatives etc so just bear that in mind. There is nothing like a funeral or a wedding to bring heightened tension anyway in ordinary circumstances. If there is even the slightest hint that trouble will result from this, then I wouldn't go but would send a letter to the immediate family. You don't need to be there to pay your respects. And why are you rereading this again if you are certain of what you want to do? :) <em>edited by spongemonkey on 11/10/2011</em>
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 11 October 2011 - 02:08
I'd be livid if my DH's ex-wife showed up at a family funeral. It would be humilitating for her as it would seem she still wanted to be with my DH and I wouldn't make it easy for her. I'm the wife now and if she loved his family so much, she shouldn't have let him go. I'm sorry to bring this subject up again but just re-reading the comments/advice, I cannot believe the statement made. Would you be livid if you, as the current wife but had only met the family concerned once, be so adamant that the ex who has known and is still in touch with the family concerned for so many years, be coming to pay her respects? I do not, in any way, want to be with my ex (It was I who divorced him on the grounds of adultery). And yes, I loved my ex to the ends of the earth until I realised he was making a fool of me by cheating but that does not stop me loving the other members of his family. So I don't think it would be humiliating for me to turn up to pay my respects. Do you?
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 11 October 2011 - 00:20
I guess some people are just insecure, I think that is a terrible thing to do and hope your dd didn't know about it, but am guessing she did. So sad that people act that way, let us know how it goes, and good luck!
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 11 October 2011 - 00:10
Thanks Snugs and I agree with you wholeheartedly. The friends from when we were married and who I value so much are those who didn't take sides. One of them works with the ex, yet he and his partner regularly meet up with me socially, as they do with the ex and his wife. I don't have any problems that I would air with the ex and his wife but she, well, our DD gave her father a family photo recently. Not sure why she did but I think she was just going through old photos and wanted her father to have one but because I was in the photo, the wife tore it up! Sad I know!
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 10 October 2011 - 23:50
Good on you moo moo, it won't be easy, but you are there for a good reason, keep that in mind. guiness, I am sorry you have had a bad experience with ex-wives. Some are reasonable though and will understand why the OP is going.. If I can hijack here, and I am sorry to the op, but my twin is newly divorced from what was one of my best friends for over 15 years. He is now tentatively dating and his potential girlfriend and she has told him that he cannot continue a friendship with me! We all have kids who are cousins, and I find this so depressing. Yes, I am sure it would be weird for her to meet me (we are identical twins) but surely you can't make rules like this? Sorry OP, I hope you don't mind but I do think that relationships outsidenthe actual marriage should remain...
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 10 October 2011 - 23:16
Many thanks for all your advice/comments and which I note and appreciate. I was not looking to attend without being invited and in fact had been trying to tell certain members of the family that I would not be going but they would not accept that. Yes, I am the "ex" wife but was and still am friendly and in touch with the family whom I have now known for over 27 years now. I'm not a difficult ex wife. My ex and friend (obviously also an ex friend now) decided to get to know each other better(!) whilst we were still married and living together but I have moved on from that and I would appreciate those who think that ex wives are awful, bear in mind that the reasons for break ups are not always the ex wife's fault! As several kind ladies have suggested, I will attend the funeral but keep a low profile. Might be a bit difficult as his cousin is insisting I go with her! She even mentioned that there would be a get together afterwards but I have told her that I would give that a miss. I just want to pay my respects. Thanks again x
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 10 October 2011 - 15:04
You divorce a person, not the family. If you're still close to the family and your presence would be welcomed by the people that matter (i.e. the deceased's wife), then you should go to pay your respects for a short time, avoid the ex, and then go and see the wife again at a later date as mentioned by other posters. *like*
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 10 October 2011 - 15:00
You divorce a person, not the family. If you're still close to the family and your presence would be welcomed by the people that matter (i.e. the deceased's wife), then you should go to pay your respects for a short time, avoid the ex, and then go and see the wife again at a later date as mentioned by other posters.
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 10 October 2011 - 14:41
Am not really sure it matters if you are still close to the family or not... you are divorced from the family and unless you have specifically been invited to the funeral, i personally think you have no place going there. I did not attend a family member's funeral as his ex-wife insisted that she attend even when told she was not welcome. I know you don't want to hear this but perhaps you can send flowers or go and see the wife and a separate time.
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 10 October 2011 - 14:37
Same for me here! Ex-wives can be very difficult!! :\: that's an understatement!
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 10 October 2011 - 14:35
I'd be livid if my DH's ex-wife showed up at a family funeral. It would be humilitating for her as it would seem she still wanted to be with my DH and I wouldn't make it easy for her. I'm the wife now and if she loved his family so much, she shouldn't have let him go. I feel the exact same way. And it happened to me before. ( I was the new wife). Same for me here! Ex-wives can be very difficult!! :\:
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 10 October 2011 - 13:09
I'd be livid if my DH's ex-wife showed up at a family funeral. It would be humilitating for her as it would seem she still wanted to be with my DH and I wouldn't make it easy for her. I'm the wife now and if she loved his family so much, she shouldn't have let him go. I usually agree with the majority of your posts guiness but I have to say that your reaction would say more about you and your own insecurity than it does about the ex-wife. It probably says more about the thieving, devious, conniving, bi***y ex-wife I've put up with for nearly a decade! But back to the OP ... I suppose I like Clairehdp's advise - if the OP is determined to go, let the current wife know, don't make a scene and go back and visit later ...
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 10 October 2011 - 13:04
I'd be livid if my DH's ex-wife showed up at a family funeral. It would be humilitating for her as it would seem she still wanted to be with my DH and I wouldn't make it easy for her. I'm the wife now and if she loved his family so much, she shouldn't have let him go. I usually agree with the majority of your posts guiness but I have to say that your reaction would say more about you and your own insecurity than it does about the ex-wife. A funeral has nothing to do with wanting to be with her ex-DH likewise a divorce does not mean that the ex-in-law family must to be disregarded. I agree that attendance at a funeral is for both the deceased and the loved ones left behind. Given that you are on friendly and, in some instances, very close terms with your ex-in-laws it would be appropriate to attend. The flipside is if you don't it may seem to those who know you are home and still see you as part of the family that you didn't want to show your respects.
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 10 October 2011 - 13:01
Guiness, I think that's over-simplifying it. It's possible to really like a family but think one member is a complete and utter @rse, and it may well be that that member is the one you're married to. With second marriages come baggage, and in the OP's case they have a child/ren together so there will always be a bond even if they can't stand each other. The Op doesn't have to be anywhere near her ex and his wife, doesn't have to acknowledge them even. However, if I was the OP I would definitely let the ex know ahead of time that I was planning to be at the funeral.
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 10 October 2011 - 12:59
I would turn up but hang back and nip into the chuch/crematorium and sit at the back. Be there to pay your respects and go. I would speak to hs wife and explain that you will be there but won't go back after the service. Go and visit her in a few weeks time so you can chat with her and remember her husband. She will probably be very pleased to see you when everyone else has gone. That way you pay your respects on the day, you cause no ill feeling to your ex husbands family and you can boost the widow with a visit to remember her husband when she will probably need it most - a win, win situation. How lovely that you were able to see him before he passed away. I know my mum doesn't remember much about the day of my dads funeral but she remembers fondly of those who turned up in the weeks after with a cake, some flowers or a nice meal for the freezer. So sorry for your loss. *like* such wise advice OP, sorry for your loss
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EW GURU
Latest post on 10 October 2011 - 12:57
I'd be livid if my DH's ex-wife showed up at a family funeral. It would be humilitating for her as it would seem she still wanted to be with my DH and I wouldn't make it easy for her. I'm the wife now and if she loved his family so much, she shouldn't have let him go. I feel the exact same way. And it happened to me before. ( I was the new wife).
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EW GURU
Latest post on 10 October 2011 - 12:56
I dunno, maybe it's just me. I always think that whatever action that is done during a funeral will affect more the family and friends who are there than the person who died..... and I'd hate the idea that I could cause any sort of discomfort to anyone, especially during a funeral...... I rather be present during someone's life when they're still alive....dunno if it makes sense....
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 10 October 2011 - 12:56
I'd be livid if my DH's ex-wife showed up at a family funeral. It would be humilitating for her as it would seem she still wanted to be with my DH and I wouldn't make it easy for her. I'm the wife now and if she loved his family so much, she shouldn't have let him go.
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 10 October 2011 - 12:52
I'd go...out of respect for the Uncle and the relationship you shared.. I'm sure your ex would understand that..Do ppl really say "she shouldn't be here" ? Very sad if they do and I certainly wouldn't let that stop me going... Sorry for your loss but as Clare said, how lovely that you got to see him..
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EW GURU
Latest post on 10 October 2011 - 10:24
I definitely would not go, there are other nice, touching and meaningful ways (flowers, cards, donations to charity in the deceased's name, etc) to pay respects to ALL present in the funeral, not just to the deceased. I most prefer not having a "she shouldn't be here" as opposed to a "Very commendable of her for sending flowers". I've seen ex wives in funerals making it a "social event", trying to catch up for the lost time in the family, mostly because people who haven't seen her for a long time try to be nice and talk to her. Not saying you would do that, I believe you would try to keep a low profile as you said, but you can be respectful by not being intrusive, it's much more noble. Just my two fils. :D
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 10 October 2011 - 09:55
Having recently attended funeral of very dear friend of family I know from his wife how much it meant to her, so this is all about the widow and you doing what feels right. Also put your thoughts into a letter too as she will have that to keep afterwards, as Clairehdp said the day can pass in a blur but condolence letters can be kept and reread and offer comfort in following difficult days
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EW GURU
Latest post on 10 October 2011 - 09:48
I agree with what Clairehdp says. I didn't go to my ex MIL's funeral as my ex SIL asked me not to go as it would upset my exDH. I still regret not going - I felt I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to the woman who had been my seecond Mum for 25 years. I discovered there was no grave to go to visit later as her ashes were left in the garden of remembrance so didn't feel I got closure on her death. I stupidly was also concerned that my ex's relatives would think I didn't care. I would never has caused any bother and would have slipped away as soon as I paid my respects.
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 10 October 2011 - 01:45
I would turn up but hang back and nip into the chuch/crematorium and sit at the back. Be there to pay your respects and go. I would speak to hs wife and explain that you will be there but won't go back after the service. Go and visit her in a few weeks time so you can chat with her and remember her husband. She will probably be very pleased to see you when everyone else has gone. That way you pay your respects on the day, you cause no ill feeling to your ex husbands family and you can boost the widow with a visit to remember her husband when she will probably need it most - a win, win situation. How lovely that you were able to see him before he passed away. I know my mum doesn't remember much about the day of my dads funeral but she remembers fondly of those who turned up in the weeks after with a cake, some flowers or a nice meal for the freezer. So sorry for your loss.
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EW OLDHAND
Latest post on 09 October 2011 - 23:14
I had this situation... ex & I had a mutual friend who was also a colleague of mine before I started dating my ex. I was a bit weirded out by the idea of going and maybe running into him, but as a friend of mine said, it is not about you or him it is about the person who died, and honoring their memory. So, if anyone has a problem with you being there, just repeat same! it is not about what happened in the past, it is about DH's uncle and that is why you are there. End of.
 
 

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