Pros & Cons of being/having only one child?

As an only child myself, and mother to an only child, I've been agonising over how much it affects my DS's life by being an 'only'. My husband and I faced a lot of pressure from his side of the family to have more than one, but actually we are very happy as we are and can't imagine going back to the 'baby' stage now that DS is 5 and getting increasingly independent, at school etc. Among a list of other reasons (awful problematic pregnancy, 5-day long labour, theatre birth with complications, depression, needing to work to keep roof over my head, DS screened for autism aged 2.5, no parental support and support network in general, 2 lots of redundancy for my husband in space of 14 months, the list can go on and on and on, believe me!) we just enjoy him completely, and have no qualms at all about having just one. My SIL has 3 boys and it's fun some of the time, and they do occupy themselves well, but goodness me, the space and the stuff and the noise and the cost of even going out for one afternoon...!! I've also noticed my son shares rather well, he doesn't get as possesive as he doesn't have constant competition. It took a lot of dedicated hard work to encourage this, and my life's work has been to secure social opportunities for him, and to find ways of spending the time and keeping him active as otherwise he is on my case rather a lot! But on the plus side, we have a lot of time for him individually, not at all to say that those with more than one don't, but to us this feels right. He benefits from having his own space and quiet - this is a personality thing rather than anything to do with siblngs or not. We have travelled a lot with him too, more so than friends with more than one, purely on cost basis, but also becaue he travels well and is used to us being a trio. I was an only child myself, but of divorced parents, and my goodness, my Mum would have struggled so much more if there had been two or three of us! I was far from spoiled and actually was treated a little too much like an adult, always accompanying mum to work in the holidays, listening to her love life dramas, taking care of her when sick, and growing up incredibly fast. So these are the pitfalls! I would have liked a sibling for mutual support growing up in hard times, but grateful my mum could rely on me to some extent and we were two peas in a pod making the best of things. My DH was an only child until he was 7, a fact my MIL forgets when she lectures me about only children being spoiled, indulged and lonely. Yes, my son gets lonely sometimes, but then we arrange something so he gets his company and fun, we get a break, and everyone is happy. We even borrow kids for the afternoon, and it's fabulous. Wouldn't change a thing!

I'm an only child and don't feel I missed out by not having a sibling. In fact I often think I wouldn't have had so many experiences in my life if I had. We travelled, I got to have a variety of extra-curricular activities and I know if there had been 2 (or more) of us my parents wouldn't have had the funds to have given us all the same level of life experiences. I went lots of places with my Mum and Dad and learnt how to behave and act appropriately in social situations, but I had lots of friends, a packed same age social life, an amazing imagination, was very confident and had parents who were very hands on in my life. BUT, now I'm older (and far away from home) I do feel the strain of it only being me to deal with ageing parents. And as I've gotten older I am envious of the relationship I see other friends have with their siblings. I have two, but was adamant I was only having one. I had such a good experience of being an only child I wanted to be able to give my child the same, but fate has shown it's hand and I have 2! Maybe you should just see what happens?

Thanks a lot ladies for your helpful replies. I read lots of other treads regarding this topic on the net too. However having another child will increase all the work & expences. On the other hand can't predict the advantages of having more than one like siblings get along & give some free time to parents; My mom has 6 siblings & they've been flighting for their whole childhood & adulthood for everything... now it's for their parent's propeties, who should look after the parents etc etc . My dad has 4 & they're the same. They talk, get together on family events but problems are more more than their relationships. [b'>So, what I think is I should have another only if I really love to have one... Not bc. of Pros of having another.[/b'> There you go. Only you know what is right for your family. My friends with 'only' one child are very happy with their 'only' one child. In those cases, the children are gorgeous, healthy, social, intelligent little people. If you "really love to have one", then that just might be the answer for you. :)

I have three brothers and always loved having a gang of us, even when we fought. Our parents are divorced (and divorced again!) and it was really nice to have others who knew exactly what you were going through when things got tough. Any drama in the family now and I still turn to my brothers because they can understand in a way that no-one else can - and give me a more honest answer than anyone else will! I have three children and love watching them interact. Yes, they fight, and I'm sure it will only get worse but they love each other so much and they add much more dimension to each others lives than I feel just myself and my husband could. Also, it's not a very nice thing to say but I can't imagine the pain of losing a child and if it was your only child then a whole future of possible grandchildren, a growing extended family...just gone.

Well said QM and I like your thinking Sant. But there is tremendous social pressure to have more than one though, but I think you'll know in your heart what's right for you. I also agree that you cannot predict what sibling relationships are going to be like, although you hope that they will look out for each other in life etc.. I'm one of five, spread out across UK, Dubai and HK. We are a family of few words (yes...really...), lead totally independent lives, and do not have daily chats, nor pour out our emotions to each other - maybe that's an old school Chinese/Oriental thing. So I might as well be an only-child in that respect, although I'm sure if I was really down and out I could go knocking on my big brother's door...DH is one of two, his relationship with his sis hasn't always been easy, now his sis is contesting their father's will - they don't even argue, they just don't talk....We have an only and I don't see any behaviour of hers that would mark her out as an only according to the opinions expressed here. She's just a fairly typical, normal 6yo. We worry enough about how we'll fund her education through to her twenties, what if something happens to us in the meantime...for now we think we have a workable plan. If we have more than one, I imagine we would just have to stop the thinking and live in optimistic hope that things will somehow work itself out for the best. Excuse the doomy gloomy rambling...JMHO.

So, what I think is I should have another only if I really love to have one... Not bc. of Pros of having another. Completely agree with this - only you can ultimately decide whether to have one, two or more kids. We can all list our own individual opinions or pros/cons but as someone else has said every family is different and whether there are only children or a brood of children you can still have ups and downs!! PS I have one DD, unlikely to have anymore and while I can see lots of advantages to having had more than one, I also see many advantages of only having one so I am happy with what life has dealt me on this one!!

Really like your reply Quizzme! :) me too

Really like your reply Quizzme! :)

I too am surprised about the generalisations about only child... I grew up as an only, yet all my friend have always been surprised when I tell them I have no siblings. I grew up surrounded by children at school, playing with neighbors every afternoon, playdates and practised individual and team sports for years (basket ball, hand ball, volley ball, tennis and swimming, all at regional and national levels) and that's where you learn to work as a team, share, have arguments, sometimes fight or keep it quiet and move on etc ... Education plays a huge role in a child's character and so how their time is spent. Yes if a kid sits in front of their computer/tv all day because adults are too busy doing other things and there are no other children around, then you will have social and behavioural issues. Some of the traps in raising an only child can be the expectation for that child to behave as a "grown-up" as surrounded and interacting with adults at home. Again, if parents are aware then they can reach to the age/emotional maturity level of the child. On the other side, onlys are generalised to be more independent, able to take care of themselves, tend to never get bored and they know how to occupy their time and find their own drive/motivation which is a blessing. And yet another generalisation! I know only children who are just impossible and very immature and expect it all on a silver platter and I know only children who have devoted their lives to others and extremely sociable. In the same way I can name siblings who have so much rivalry/unresolved emotional issues they won't talk to each other and grew so much apart that they wished they never had a sister/brother and also I have around me siblings who love each other dearly and are a tight unit ... The siblings don't raise each others, they influence each other's. The responsibility in raising a child still belongs to the parents. And variety is the spice of life :cool:

Once DS stops bashing his younger brother sister over the head with whatever's to hand, that is. It's the headlocks you have to watch out for!

There are three of us and we get on like a house on fire. Granted, we used to knock lumps out of one another when we were small and my brother and I excluded our younger sister, but now we love how close we all are. My sister's DH, on the other hand, is an only child and has a very different approach to a lot of things than we do. We're all happy to pile in together and share small spaces, even if it's stressful, because we love being together. He'd rather keep what he sees as 'his family' - my sister and the kids - at arms' length. He's a lot more concerned about what's fair and what isn't when it comes to money and material things, often making issues out of things that wouldn't ever occur to any of us. He likes to make sure he and 'his family' get what he thinks is their right. He's got a real thing about making sure each of us gets the same amount of attention from our parents, and is forever banging on about how Mum favours me because I live abroad and makes too much of a big deal about me when I come home. I could go on for a while but I think, essentially, he just has a totally different view of 'family' than we do. #2 is due in a couple of months and while I'm utterly panicking at the thought of being responsible for two children, I am looking forward to seeing them interact as siblings. Once DS stops bashing his younger brother sister over the head with whatever's to hand, that is.

i'm surprised at the opinions of onlys ...

I've got 2 and although I long for only having one (actually, I long for having none in terms of an easy life!), really, they are fantastic. OK, they play rough'n'tumble and I may as well have "leave him/her alone!" on loop to save my voice, but they balance it out with playing so nicely together, holding hands when they're walking, reading to each other... and getting up to mischief as a dynamic duo! It's a very personal decision and what's one person's ideal, isn't another's.

As has been said, having one only means there's not much room for Mum to have a bit of a break, while a group of kids do whatever it is kids do. An only is on the one hand socially 'immature' (sharing, taking turns etc don't come naturally and a lot of effort has to be put in so an only child learns that) and on the other hand and in some ways rather spookily adult in a lot of their observations and thought patterns. Comes from spending more time than most one on one with adults. They're are different kettle of fish entirely, onlys are.

... Thanks appletiser. Both of my cousins're having a girl & a boy. May be opp gender won't make the bond ? I have one boy and two girls. My three are still very young (6, 4, almost 2) but for now they are all best mates. They look out for each other and play beautifully (75% of the time!). I know there will be tough times ahead as they all get older, but a I wouldn't have it any other way. I have a couple of friends with only one child and I take my hat off to them. Those Mums get NO time to themselves while the child is awake. As long as my children are well-rested, well-fed and healthy, I get the odd cup of tea in peace. :D My friends with only one child don't ever get that. ;) The other day, my friend said, "I'm really lucky with Miss X. She's very easy for me to entertain." There is the issue...I don't have to entertain mine every waking minute of the day because they entertain each other. :D

DH is an only and only had one cousin locally who was much older than him. Whilst he's a great DH and dad, he is unable to have a 'proper' argument which is incredibly frustrating at times for me! He also found it hard when DDs used to argue when they were younger - he always overreacted and came down with dire punishments which weren't necessary in the circumstances. I'm convinced this is because he was an only and had no experience of sibling rivalries big or small. We discussed one or two children after we had DD1 - he definitely didn't want her to be an only child.

I have found that the people who are usually the most difficult to get on with in a group/team situation (like an office) are often only children. They never learnt to share, give someone else a turn, compromise,etc. They expect everything to be done their way. I know this is a huge generalization - don't shoot me! But it is my experience. Siblings is a good thing. Even if they fight a lot, it is part of learning how to get on with other people. Also it is not nice to grow old and not have an extended family.

I wish mine wasn't an only, though I don't know what I'd have done if I'd had a boy after a girl :) Little bro and I fought like cat and dog until I left home when I was 18 and he was 15; since then, we've always been on good terms, and it is great to have someone else around to talk to when we have problems with our parents (and our children!). My husband, OTOH, is an only and though he didn't feel he missed out during his childhood and didn't really want a second child, though I did, is feeling the strain now his mother is old and sick and there's no sibling around with whom to share the concerns. Good luck with your decision either way :)

I have to say as well that watching my two sons interact is priceless (well, not all of the time!!!! - but most of the time they have a lot of fun). I grew up with one sister and I loved it as well. I think it is often nicer for the parents to have a pigeon pair, but nicer for the siblings to have same gender (of course this is not always the case). I would definitely have more than one if you can (of course I am about to have 4, so I would say that). My mum who was a teacher for many many years always said that only children had trouble sharing at school etc... wheras kids with siblings found stuff like that much easier. Each to their own though. I think the best thing is to do what is right for you and your DH. Good luck with your decision. <em>edited by Tru Blu on 25/09/2011</em>

Don't have children but personally, I am so very very grateful that I am not an only child. My childhood memories are filled with all the things we did together (which was pretty much everything!), life just wouldn't be the same without a sibling.

I'm an only one and didn't suffer but wish I had siblings. I have two children now and was sure I would have more than one. Good luck with your decision.

I cant imagine my son without his baby brother. They are best mates. Partners in crime. I also thought one would be okay but trust me,having another one is fantastic. Their personalities are so different but they are so similar in many ways. Yes, you will have the occassional fighting. Its not that difficult to control it. Just be observant. I would go for it if I were you. It is really wonderful seeing my two little ones hug and love each other. To be honest I find two kids easier than one as they entertain each other a lot. Best of luck in your decision. :)