Tell me a joke

This will probably get deleted but here goes: A man walks into a bar with a cat under one arm and a parrot under the other and orders three pints, the barman looks at him a bit strange but serves him his order, anyway through out the evening the man continues to order three pints and the barman serves him but when it comes to last orders curosity gets the better of him and he finally asks the man why he has a cat and parrot under his arms, well the man replies it's like this, on my way here tonight I helped an old lady across the road and she told me she was a witch and could grant me a couple of wishes, well I asked for an exotic bird with a tight pussy and you know what? That f*****g cat ain't bought a drink all night. Boom boom.

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 6. Was learning cursive really necessary? 7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood. 8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. 9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired. 10. Bad decisions make good stories. 11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. 12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again. 13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to. 14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. 15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. 16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite thanKay Jewelers . 17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. 18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. 19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? 20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters! 21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.. 22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. 23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time. 24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Ladies quit Laughing!

Q: How many men does it take to wallpaper a room? A: One - if you slice him thinly.

What's pink, wrinkly and hangs out of pyjamas? Your Grandad!!

I went to Tate Modern, I was very impressed. I asked one of the guards "Is it alright if I take some pictures?" He said "Of course, No problem sir" I took 2 Picasso's and a Dali.

I received this one today. FEMALE BRAIN‏ In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their Family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre. “I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the worried faces. “The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.” The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news. After a great Length of time, someone asked, “Well, how much does a brain cost?” The doctor quickly responded, “£ 50,000 for a male brain, and £ 200 for a female brain.” The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to Control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, ”Why is the male brain so much more?” The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they’ve actually been used, the male brains are hardly ever used by the owners. So they are as good as new” I see you all laughing now! Good, that was the idea....laughter is the best medicine!

When I flew for Emirates, we had a chick with an economy ticket who sat in a seat in first class. I went up to her and explained that she needed to take the seat maked on her boarding card. She said, (Heavy southern drawl)I'm blonde, I'm beiutiful, I'm gonna Texas an I'm sittin' right here. The purser then tried to persuade her to move, and the reply was I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm gonna Texas an I'm sittin' right here, Then the first office tried to make her move and same response. He went into the cockpit and woke the Captain up to tell him what was going on. The Captain listened intently got up and mooched down the cabin towards the lady. He bent down and whispred in her ear. She stood up, took her bag down from the hatrack and sashayed into economy. We looked at him aghast, he said" my wife's blonde, I speak blonde and I told her first class ain't going to Texas!

What's brown and sticky? A stick What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral.. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: October 16, 2010 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. F***ing hot down here!

What about some more jokes, to kill the last couple of hours of the workweek!

This was really interesting - thanks sarah! Not really a joke but I thought it was interesting; my jokes are not really suitable for this forum I have realised Question 1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three Who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had Syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion? Read the next question before looking at the response for this one. Question 2: It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three candidates. Candidate A: Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 Martinis a day. Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in College and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.. Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks An occasional beer and never committed adultery. Which of these candidates would be our choice? Decide first... No peeking, and then scroll down for the response. Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt . Candidate B is Winston Churchill. Candidate C is Adolph Hitler. And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question: If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven. Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone. Remember: Amateurs ... Built the ark. Professionals ... Built the Titanic

A typical Finnish joke: Mika and Pekka go fishing. They've been sitting silently in their boat for about two hours when Mika deceides to start a conversation. He says: So Pekka, how is your wife? Pekka turns round to him and says: Hey, are we here to fish or are we here to talk? Another one: Mika and Pekka are out fishing again. They spot a swimmer in the distance who is in trouble and has started drowning. They go over to where he went under. Mika jumps in and brings up a body. He starts giving him mouth to mouth when Pekka says: Mika I don't think this will work. He is still wearing his ice-skates.

I can't stop!:) "Advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN." "A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station..." "Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes; after that, who cares?! He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!" "Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege." "Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up." "I want to die peacefully, like my grand father did, in his sleep - not screaming like the passengers in his car." "Answering Machine Saying: Sorry I can't get to the phone right now because my girlfriend and I are doing our favorite thing together. Personally I like doing it up and down, while she likes doing it side-to-side r-e-a-l slow... So I'll get back to you when we finish brushing our teeth." "Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." -- Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989

Q. Why do men get their great ideas in bed? A. Because they're plugged into a genius! <em>edited by Quizzme on 12/05/2011</em>

What's your Mum like. Controversial? no, that one's still there !! lol

What's your Mum like. Controversial?

not much point posting when the mods delete so much... can't remember what my last one was but it didn't stay long lol

Not really a joke but I thought it was interesting; my jokes are not really suitable for this forum I have realised Question 1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three Who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had Syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion? Read the next question before looking at the response for this one. Question 2: It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three candidates. Candidate A: Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 Martinis a day. Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in College and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.. Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks An occasional beer and never committed adultery. Which of these candidates would be our choice? Decide first... No peeking, and then scroll down for the response. Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt . Candidate B is Winston Churchill. Candidate C is Adolph Hitler. And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question: If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven. Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone. Remember: Amateurs ... Built the ark. Professionals ... Built the Titanic

Q: What's a pirate's favourite letter? A: R (pronounced "AAAARRRRRH" in a deep growly voice with a squinty eye) Kids love that one!

LOL!

Little boy got separated from his mum in the supermarket. Crying his eyes out he managed to find the security guard. Bending down the man gently said to the boy " Don't worry son, we'll soon find her..now, can you tell me, what's your mum like ?" The boy replied "Tall men, clubbing and vodka..."

SUCCESS: At age 4 success is . . . . not piddling in your pants. At age 12 success is . . . having friends. At age 17 success is . . having a driver's license. At age 35 success is . .. .. .saving money. At age 50 success is . . . having money. At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers license. At age 75 success is . . . having friends. At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants

This dates from the 1960s and is the only joke I can remember. It refers to an advertising slogan popular at the time. A little boy's mother had died and he was very upset. His father noticed that he disappeared every day after school, at about the same time. Wanting to be discreet, his father followed him to see where he was going. He followed him to the cemetery, where he saw his son standing at his mother's grave and pouring a bottle of cola over it. This behaviour persisted, so finally the father asked his son what he was doing. The answer came: "You know what they say - Come Alive with Pepsi!"

My 1 day employment So after landing my new job as an Harvey Nicols greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Harvey Nics. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, '**** no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the **** would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?' So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Harvey Nics.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work <em>edited by candyfloss on 12/05/2011</em>

Tell us more, tell us more...

I promise it's the last one lol A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00...... On one condition' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.' The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse. She pressed it into the man's hand along with her address, looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said.... 'Clean my house.'

There were two nuns... One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. SL: It's logical. He wants to r*pe us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. SM: It's not working. SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too. SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives. SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then? SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. SM: And? SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?! SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. SM: Oh, no! What happened then? SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down. And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, I'll pray for you! <em>edited by Quizzme on 12/05/2011</em>

haha! love the abudaabidoo one!