Becoming a SAHM... advice and insights please!!

Hi KCintheCity! We're actually on the same boat right now! I thought it's me who made this thread... :-) I am also currently working and having a great job as well as an Engineer, but I am also planning to quit for a while to look after my son. TBH, yesterday, when i arrived home and wanted to play with my son, he refused and it seems he's looking after his nanny, which hurts me a lot to feel as a new mom! Hopefully, God will allow me to do so... Financial issue is the number one factor that hinders me to fully decide to quit soon....

Would love to get some advice TanyaR. Can we take this discussion off EW. Do let me know your email add. THanks edited by kcinthecity on 31/01/2011 No problems. <em>edited by TanyaR on 01/02/2011</em>

Lol. Thanks H.A.K. Funnily enough, he just called me after a particularly nasty spat where he told me I was allowing myself to be kicked around. He said... Do what makes you happy, I support you! kcinthecity - I wasn't sure why you were unhappy with work, but if it is based around personality issues, I am happy to give you a bit of a steer of some ways to deal with these situations - you don't actually have to 'throw your toys out of the cot' (iykwim) to get results sometimes. At least then you would know you had tried everything if you are not 100% on the decision to leave... offer is there if you would like to take me up on it.

Not just the feminists... I was brought up being told that I could do whatever I wanted and could have it all, but sadly, when you really reach far, you do find a glass ceiling. Still, what we do have is choice, which is a real blessing and more than many have. Thanks for the party advice! I wasn't really talking about the glass ceiling as much as about the fact that there are only so many hours in the day. It is quite simply impossible to work a full time job and be a full time mother. ... and to do both to the best of your ability, yes. I agree completely. The thing is, I know what takes priority for me, and much as I love my career (in tatters /cry), it's only a job. The big problem is that employers also assume this (so, correctly, in this case) and adjust work responsibilities to suit. I know full well that in my line of work, were I to want part-time work (about as common as chicken's teeth anyway), I wouldn't be given my own project to run and would probably end up doing stuff that would be given to a graduate. Funnily enough, when I first got here, there was an article in a construction industry magazine about high-flying mothers. One woman - mum to a couple of young children and at director level or something - was saying how she'd occasionally had to miss out on family holidays, often worked weekends, but tried to get home for bedtime at least twice a week. She justified this by saying that she was doing it now, when they were little, so that she'd be able to spend more time with them when they were older, which just made me cry... she was obviously so detached from family life not to have realised that when they're teens, the last thing they'll want to do is hang around with their mum. It was at that point that I felt staying at home, just for their Early Years was entirely the right thing for me to do. Your career may never be the same again, but nor is your life! --- KC, I digress. With regards to your DH, you both need to have open discussions about your fears and hopes for this change. Think of them as team meetings! Lay out your parameters and expectations and get him to do the same. He needs to buy in to the whole thing too. It's a big change and will effect you both, so it needs to be discussed. ... and if he gets all macho, just kick him into line! ;) <em>edited by Hello.Again.Kitty on 31/01/2011</em>

My apologies, I can't remember exactly what your job is :( but is there a chance for you to freelance or consult from home? I used to be a journalist in my previous life and I'm lucky enough to be able to do pretty much my old job now but from home. OK, I don't do nearly as much as I used to and obviously don't earn as much, but I feel like I'm still a little bit of the person I used to be and I like it. I also like knowing I'm bringing money in - this sounds ridiculous to me even as I'm typing it, because I work far more hours now and far harder than I ever did in writing, but I've hated not earning money when I haven't been working. Whatever you decide, do what's best for you. DH can be a pain in the backside but every time he is, I remind him I'm doing the most important job ever in bringing up his son and he should be bl00dy grateful.

Interesting thorough replies.. I'll tell u my experience. I have two and the third on the way. I usually stop work for 4 months after giving birth - till BF is well established and simple solid foods can be introduced. Then I go back part-time till my baby is old enough (usually 18 months). By this, there are no major gaps in my resume, and I can still enjoy doing both things. Of course this is not an option to all, depends on wt u do. edited by Leen on 31/01/2011 <em>edited by Leen on 31/01/2011</em>

Not just the feminists... I was brought up being told that I could do whatever I wanted and could have it all, but sadly, when you really reach far, you do find a glass ceiling. Still, what we do have is choice, which is a real blessing and more than many have. Thanks for the party advice! I wasn't really talking about the glass ceiling as much as about the fact that there are only so many hours in the day. It is quite simply impossible to work a full time job and be a full time mother.

Feminists of my generation were told growing up that we could have it all and unfortunately that's just not true. Something needs to give, and only you know what will make you happiest. For me being able to give 100% to my son and be there all the time with him makes me happier than only seeing him on weekends and continuing to have a successful career would. In a perfect world I would work 2-3 days a week at an intellectually challenging job, but since that isn't possible staying home is the best choice for me. Not just the feminists... I was brought up being told that I could do whatever I wanted and could have it all, but sadly, when you really reach far, you do find a glass ceiling. Still, what we do have is choice, which is a real blessing and more than many have. LJB, as for talking to people at parties, still say you're a banker - that's what they're looking for - but that you're taking a sabbatical/ extended maternity leave because it's a real opportunity in this day and age to be able to do so. You could also sneak in a "life's too short not to make the most of it" comment! If anyone makes a snide remark about how easy my life must be, I just smile and say, "hmmm, I often wish I could go back to work for a break!".

Hi KC I also had a well paying job and am now a sahm to my 10 month old son and can't imagine having missed out on this year. I also wanted to be the one raising my son. DH often isn't home till after ds goes to bed and I'd hate to have someone outside the family being the only person he sees 5 days a week. That being said there are a lot of sacrifices involved and you need to make sure it's really what you want, and not what you think you are supposed to want. - loss of personal identity - This has been tough for me. At parties when people ask me what I do and I tell them that I stay at home with my son they tend to start talking to me as if I were stupid and the women often try to get away from me as quickly as possible. I've found myself saying that I used to be a banker, but that feels a bit pathetic. As someone who used to define herself by her education and intelligence the fact that others no longer see me that way is hard. - Will I be able to stay at home all day with her when I am used to working under so much pressure? No, but you will be very busy, a true stay at home mom is rarely at home. Especially with an older baby you need activities or you would go crazy! We go to the beach or playground most days and also have play groups, music lessons, swimming lessons and regular coffee dates. By the time thursday rolls around I'm usually ready for a nothing day. - Will I find a job this good when I start looking again esp since I will have a gap in my resume? Probably not, it really depends on your profession, but I know that I probably won't. - Will I drive poor DH nuts staying at home? I think this is more of a problem when you have a newborn and aren't talking to other adults all day. As long as you are getting out most days then you probably won't be climbing the walls waiting for him to get home. - Will he still give me as much respect when I don't pull in a salary? That really depends on your husband, and probably on your cultural background as well. To be honest mine doesn't. He usually doesn't harass me about spending money, and I still have some savings if I want to buy a ridiculous pair of shoes or something like that, but he does subtly act like he gets to make the decisions in the family. He also no longer makes any show of helping with the dishes or otherwise around the house. He grew up in a very traditional macho family and while he did make an effort while I was working he's pretty much totally regressed at this point. He also makes cracks about wondering if I'm ever going to go back to work that seem a bit barbed some time. This might sound a bit negative, but in spite of all this I'm still very glad that I've had these 10 months with my son and I wouldn't change a thing. I have flirted with the idea of going back to work, but the truth is I'm still not ready to leave my baby. Feminists of my generation were told growing up that we could have it all and unfortunately that's just not true. Something needs to give, and only you know what will make you happiest. For me being able to give 100% to my son and be there all the time with him makes me happier than only seeing him on weekends and continuing to have a successful career would. In a perfect world I would work 2-3 days a week at an intellectually challenging job, but since that isn't possible staying home is the best choice for me.

I will try and keep it to your questions, apart from adding context from my situation! So, I was the career orientated one in our relationship, to the point that even though my DH was still Senior as well, he was happily considering taking paternity leave if we had children in our home country, but then we moved offshore. I was career orientated to the point, I had no personal interests really, my life revolved around work, and a number of people that I have previously managed have been shocked to hear I have a child (thinking I would never stop working basically, and hopefully not that I am unsuitable for the motherhood!!!) I have been a SAHM for a year now, and I have just started interviewing to return to work. I have LOVED my year off looking after DS, it has been an incredible experience, and I could not have really seriously considered returning to work until now, because I simply wasn't ready (still a bit unsure if I am really) to leave DS. Onto your questions: - Loss of personal identity - I personally did 'lose' myself completely. BUT, this is because previously I was working 80 hour weeks, so actually had no hobbies or interests really (sounds so sad looking back), and I then arrived in Dubai just in time to have DS, so I had no personal life at all set up here prior to him arriving. - Will I be able to stay at home all day with her when I am used to working under so much pressure? Yes, it is just a different kind of work and pressure, as some of the others say, it is a job, but one you are more personally invested in! At 11 months they are so much more interactive and developing and learning new skills every day, once they are awake, you don't really get a moments peace - as you would know from your weekends/nights spent with her. - Will I find a job this good when I start looking again esp since I will have a gap in my resume? Okay this one is difficult to answer. This is actually my field of expertise so please DO NOT shoot me, this is my experience, and not my personal perspective (well some of it anyway!) It does depend on where you are trying to get a job again, and what your background is as to whether you will experience prejudice against staying at home for a while. My home country (including a wider span in the greater region area), and another I have worked in, are heavily regulated against discrimination around this factor, however, I have seen the worst behaviour around not wanting to hire returning to work mothers in those countries. They do not like gaps in CV's for motherhood because of the 'idea' we become 'unreliable' if our children are sick, have holidays etc... tbh - in the UAE it seems far more widely accepted that return to work mothers are a legimate pool of candidates to be accepted as applicants, and I do think this is because of the accepted high use of Nannies in the home that makes this possible. The UAE has one of the shortest legislated maternity leave coverage in the world - which is why returning to work here is not so much of an issue, and it is more accepted. BUT, my overall comment on this issue, is that it COMPLETELY depends on the Hiring Manager, we all know people have different opinions and feelings on topics, so it is completely down to how the Manager feels about this topic, that you apply for. Regardless of how it is legislated for in the country you are applying in, it doesn't really matter, it all depends on who is viewing your CV and making the decision. (Again this is not my personal perspective, I am trying to give an objective viewpoint from my experience of well over 15 years in this area) - Will I drive poor DH nuts staying at home? Depends... he isn't going to be working from home is he? If not, you should be okay! As long as you are getting out and keeping occupied and not craving interaction when he returns from work, and giving him a list of things to do without 'unwinding' from the day! To start with, I was like a puppy when he got home, bright eyed and bushy tailed 'tell me about your day', and handing over lists of things that needed doing etc before he got his shoes off, and whilst he never said anything, it must have done his head in! - Will he still give me as much respect when I don't pull in a salary? My DH loved this aspect. For the first time he was earning more than me, and was fulfilling that traditional provider role. My hubby has a traditionalist personality type though, so it completely depends on your DH. Personally, I have been the one to find this hard to handle. I am allowed to buy whatever I like, he nevers makes me feel guilty about anything, but I constantly feel guilty about any purchase - even if it is just for groceries thesedays - it is ridiculous really, but sometimes you can't change the way you feel! Seriously, this is SUCH a personal decision, and comes down to how your DH, and you feel. I have made the decision to return to work. I personally think that because of my history, I will actually be far more focused and have much more 'value' time with DS, if I have some time away from him to focus on the 'me' part. It may actually end up I consult from home part time, so I may be lucky, but regardless, I truly believe the decision I have made to return to work, is right for us now. Whatever you do decide, it will be the right decision for you, for now, as long as you have your DH's backing, you can't go wrong! Good luck!

I used to have a challenging job and after 3 years (and counting) as an SAHM, I find it really helpful and healthy to consider my SAHM role as a job, no more, no less. We're working from home, have the most demanding and fickle boss(es) in the world, there's never a day the same and we like nothing better than having a good natter with colleagues over a cup of coffee. There are also times when you're worked off your feet, driven to distraction, bored stiff having to do mundane stuff and spend a bit too long in the morning ignoring your work and surfing the net instead. But, there are also times when you have a great time, love your job, and even better, your boss comes up and says thank you for being so great. I don't buy into the whole sacrifice thing nor pandering to the male ego... I'm not up for sacrificing diddly squat and being a SAHM doesn't mean that DH gets his meals on the table when he comes home! I think the financial dependence has been the hardest thing for me to deal with and although DH is very sweet, making sure that I know he sees it as "Team Kitty", I still feel somehow vulnerable. I still have my own account though and we have money going into it from the joint account so that I don't have to ask for cash! Being a SAHM is all about networking, keeping yourself active and motivated. Returing to work is always a concern - I am in a profession where a break is very difficult to recover from :( but I think by the time I go back to work next year, I'll have crammed so much into the previous 4 years "out" that no-one could say I've been dossing around!

My advice: - loss of personal identity - having so much time to yourself without the stress and expectation of a traditional job allows you to "find" yourself - Will I be able to stay at home all day with her when I am used to working under so much pressure? - being a SAHM rarely means staying home all day. I would love a day I didn't feel like I was rushing out to some group, class, coffee, lunch, etc etc - Will I find a job this good when I start looking again esp since I will have a gap in my resume? - you will find a better one, it's being with your child everyday, the best job there is! - Will I drive poor DH nuts staying at home? - no - Will he still give me as much respect when I dont pull in a salary? - I don't think you would have married someone who wasn't going to respect you. My situation prior to the baby sounds very similar to yours and I finally now have reconciled with myself that if all anyone ever knows of me is that I was DD's Mum, and DH's wife then that would make me very happy. I feel completely loved and so very fortunate I don't have to go back to work. But it's not for everyone, only you know yourself, give it a try, if you don't like it look for another job.

I am a sahm. I used to work in events, crazy hours, always on adrenaline. Pay was very interesting :) But then i had always decided I wouldnt work once I had a baby. We have babies wat? 2 -3 times? 4 times in our lives? And they grow up so very fast. I want to be there for the first step/tooth/burp. I dint want to miss the cuddling. I dint want to be tired for my kids. I am not saying staying at home is easy. Sometimes u even wonder if you will be doing anything else other than changing numerous diapers, feeding all the time, etc etc. But end of the day when baby gives you a kissie, u do forget all that. Loss of personality, i think I am very proud of being a mother. I think working makes u tough, and being a mom makes u soft. Its a whole different experience. I think men feel better when their wives stay at home. I dunno about all these modern theories, but if you go to basics, its the man who provides for the family. And if you stop working, its an ego boost for your DH that you are dependent on him. Yes, i knw it sounds weird, but then your DH knows your quite capable of looking after yourself and you are doing this for the sake of your children. Its a sacrifice on your part. I personally think all mothers who can afford to should stay at home. Its always better for the kids. You have the rest of your life to work. But your kiddies will grow up and leave the nest sooner than you think. I refuse to go back to working full time now.. definitely not untill the kids are in school.. and funnily I have actually discovered something else I am good at and am working on that when I get time. Similarly, for all you know, you may discover something entirely different too! Good luck!

Have another baby? ;)

Hey KCinthecity I’m not a SAHM yet (heck, I’m not even a mom yet…lol) but I will be soon and this is something I’m been pondering over, so for whatever its worth, here are my thoughts. It is a very personal choice, and it’s YOURS; with DH’s inputs. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I don’t judge other mums by their choices of going back to work or not, and hence don’t expect anyone else to judge me by mine. If I was back home, I would have probably gone back to work in four months since my line of work is much, much more interesting and vibrant there than here in Dubai. I’m going to quit work and be home for at least the first few months, letting my body heal and trying to get to know my first child. I just want to soak all of her babyness, because I know it’ll never come back. I want some time off to accept and understand that I’m now a mum, and then I want to decide what kind of a parent I want to be. Also, for myself: I want to start working on making a life list. I have to make this before I'm 30 so that I can atleast do some of the stuff I've always wanted to. I want to work more seriously and more often on my blog. I want to get fit – slowly, but surely. I put on 10 kilos after I got married, and then 8 more for the pregnancy. I don’t mind the pregnancy weight at all, but the kilos before that I piled on solely due to my irresponsibility and laziness :) Do all the research on a new business idea that DH and I want to start later this year. Meet other mums. I think this is important only because sometimes you need support in the form of other beautiful people. Of course, I don't know how much of this I'll end up doing with a tiny person always wanting my attention, but this is the "plan". As I see it, my time off as a SAHM is the sabbatical that I’ve always wanted in the last 6 years. To answer your questions: It is a loss of personal identity if you think it to be. If you think you will only be known as “DH’s wife” or “DD’s mum”, I don’t think that is the case. You will still be known to everyone as yourself, as an individual, a caring wife and a loving mother. But for this to happen, you have to truly believe in it yourself. Being a mom is much tougher than a lot of other jobs, as I’m sure you know better than me. Of course you’ll be able to stay at home all day! They grow up far too quickly, and you’ll cherish those moments. The gap, probably depends on your line of work, and I think Klee’s answered that is the best way possible. You will not drive him nuts if you try not to. Your DD is now old enough for you to be mobile. Meet other mums, set up playdates, catch up on a new hobby and make a life for yourself that’s not only about looking after DD. The respect bit will depend on your DH and your relationship. Most guys understand how tough it is to be a mom, and they leave the choice to their wives.

Hi there, Our DD is just 8 months and i stay home with her. I can't advise you on the gap in your resume, but I would think that any employer that's not a total jerk would accept "raising my kids" as a totally valid endeavor. (If they didn't, I wouldn't want to work for them!). At first it was really lonely, being a SAHM. Lots of adjustments to get used to. But the older she gets, the more classes/activities we can do outside of the house. I would suggest something to add structure to your week, either classes or visits with friends. As for DH, mine hasn't lost any respect for me. It does suck having and "allowance" rather than my own income, but it's part of being a SAHM. And I know he's envious of the time I get to spend with DD. I do miss the commraderie (sp?) of working, and feeling 'successful' at something. Keep busy, get out and see friends/make new ones. They change so much every day, and seeing that first hand works for me. Best of luck!