3 ½ months baby – having tantrums or separation anxiety? | ExpatWoman.com
 

3 ½ months baby – having tantrums or separation anxiety?

101
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 13 September 2011 - 23:52

Hello Ladies,

I need your opinion / tips / advice please.

DH claims that our 3 ½ months baby has a tantrum as she screams/cries really loud when I am not there to comfort her when she starts feeling unhappy. As in she really holds her breath and give a big and loud waaaaa . Like when we were in the UK two weeks ago and I had to do something; DH tried everything like giving her toys, playing music, walk her in the garden, etc and she just cried and screamed for almost an hour and as soon as I took her in 5 seconds she stopped / calmed down. Is it really tantrum or DD is having separation anxiety? Do you have any suggestions that I can pass on to DH as he gets frustrated when he can’t make her settled.

DH also thought because I let her sleep with us thats why DD always wants me. But the reason why I chose co-sleeping is to prevent SIDS and since I am exclusively breastfeeding her it is more convenient for me if DD wakes up in the night.

We don’t have family or relatives here so from Sunday to Thursday (from 8am to 7pm) it is just always me and DD here in our flat; could this be also one of the reasons why DD is having “mummy syndrome”?

2782
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 21 September 2011 - 23:30
Thank you so much Kiwispier. I really waited for your comments. :) You and Hello.Again.Kitty have been very helpful not only to me but also to other ladies here in need of help about pregnancy and baby matters. I feel happy now to know that I am not doing anything wrong. Been miserable for the last three weeks because of negative comments about DD. For a new mother like me, tired physically and emotionally then will just receive negative comments about her baby are not very helpful. thanks for your lovely words Kie, sorry I was so long in replying, am on vacation at the moment and not logging in much. Sounds like you are doing a great job and are a natural mother, just trust your instincts and don't listen to the negative people, your baby is lucky to have such a loving mummy and I promise you won't feel so tired forever ;). xx
101
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 17 September 2011 - 22:46
Thank you so much Kiwispier. I really waited for your comments. :) You and Hello.Again.Kitty have been very helpful not only to me but also to other ladies here in need of help about pregnancy and baby matters. I feel happy now to know that I am not doing anything wrong. Been miserable for the last three weeks because of negative comments about DD. For a new mother like me, tired physically and emotionally then will just receive negative comments about her baby are not very helpful.
142
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 17 September 2011 - 10:41
Oh yes and like you and your baby, we also co sleep en still bf, everybody says thats why she is like that. Dont know. Thanks Snowflake12. DH and I are thinking of putting DD in a nursery next year (maybe Jan or Feb) even for a couple of hours so she can see other people. When we were in England 2 weeks ago I somehow got offended / hurt when people were commenting that DD is a ''mummy girl'', ''she always wants her mummy'' and ''mummy syndrome''. But actually there were two people (out of 10) who cuddled DD for more than 30 mins and she didnt cry. I guess DD can sense those people whose intention is to give her affection and not just to cuddle her. :) Its the basic biology of babies to want to be close to their mothers- this is part of our evolutionary biology and completly normal. Do not let other people's completly unreasonable expectations of the normal attachement your baby has for you to make any descions. Both my DS were like this. I got all the comments when I had DS1 (who is now 3 yrs and 2 months old). My inlaws wouls always comment how he doesnt go to any one and how I'm too clingy with him-which i was not - i was just responding to his requirements. Once he became verbal, he became a lot more confident interacting with oter people. Now, he is totally confident and comforatble with new people and I always get comments the other way- wow what a confident child etc. Obviously a small baby will be only comfortable with her primary caregiver who understands her needs before she can voice them.
2782
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 17 September 2011 - 00:32
Its not a tantrum, its not even separation anxiety, it is baby-instinct and you're husband needs to learn how to comfort your baby, not the other way around. Men often (more often than not) don't have the same instincts as we do. Teach him (diplomatically) how to rock, pat, bounce, jigglle and shushhhh and that he needs to relax his arms and shoulders and KEEP moving (mothers just do this without thinking). Leave him alone with her so he has a chance to experiment without you swooping in and taking over, he'll get there but again, this is normal baby behaviour, absolutely not your baby being "naughty" or "spoilt" in any way. It might help for him to talk to other dads if you have any good friends. oh and a very secure attachment to the mother is the most crucial developmental milestone a baby can have, and is actually a predictor of greater independence (and even intelligence) later on, don't feel pressured to break that bond in any way or send your LO to nursery earlier than she is ready.
2725
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 16 September 2011 - 22:17
In my experience a 3.5 month old dont have tantrums, they are far to young for this.
101
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 16 September 2011 - 21:48
Oh yes and like you and your baby, we also co sleep en still bf, everybody says thats why she is like that. Dont know. Thanks Snowflake12. DH and I are thinking of putting DD in a nursery next year (maybe Jan or Feb) even for a couple of hours so she can see other people. When we were in England 2 weeks ago I somehow got offended / hurt when people were commenting that DD is a ''mummy girl'', ''she always wants her mummy'' and ''mummy syndrome''. But actually there were two people (out of 10) who cuddled DD for more than 30 mins and she didnt cry. I guess DD can sense those people whose intention is to give her affection and not just to cuddle her. :)
79
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 16 September 2011 - 13:39
Kie, to be honest with you, my dd is 9 months old and she is still exactly like that. She will stay with my dh, but only for a short period of time. I am the only one that can put her to bed as well. Feel so sorry for my dh as he tries really hard. Plus its really hard on me, she needs me 24/7. And she is really not comfortable with staying with other people, we've tried everything, only happy when mummy is around. Good luck. Oh yes and like you and your baby, we also co sleep en still bf, everybody says thats why she is like that. Dont know.
101
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 15 September 2011 - 15:43
thanks much janesul. many thanks to all the ladies here; expatwoman forum is a huge help for a new mum like me. cheers.
1861
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 15 September 2011 - 12:40
You still have many challenges ahead of the both of you in the parenting journey and he'd do well to stop playing the blame game and crank his skill set up a notch or two. word. :cool:
829
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EW GURU
Latest post on 15 September 2011 - 09:41
Agree with HK. Your baby is picking up on your husband's impatience and frustration and she's showing very clearly that she doesn't like it. She wants warm, soothing arms and yours are the ones that give her that feeling of security. You still have many challenges ahead of the both of you in the parenting journey and he'd do well to stop playing the blame game and crank his skill set up a notch or two. Babies this young make no conscious decisions to 'play up'. Their needs are basic even if sometimes their cues are hard to read.
1861
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 14 September 2011 - 22:53
Thanks HAK. DH does not play and cuddle DD much when she is happy so will advise him. And DH does not have enough patience so I think can she can feel when DH is tense getting her settled. Indeed - with many of these issues, just put yourself in your baby's shoes - when she's crying, she gets given to a bloke who doesn't interact with her much, apart from getting angry at her crying! That'd be a bit unsettling for anyone. Getting them to have quality time together will, I think really help build their relationship and get them to trust each other. Your DH will discover that his daughter is capable of being lovely, charming and easy-going and your DD will realise that her daddy can also be happy and relaxed. Win-win. Everyone has their role to play and if your DH isn't currently the ideal candidate to settle your daughter, try not to put him in that position... until he feels more capable of doing so. It's not a failing on his part, it's just who he is. Ironically I could never settle my children like DH could - I'm the one with no patience in our partnership!
101
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 14 September 2011 - 22:39
Thanks HAK. DH does not play and cuddle DD much when she is happy so will advise him. And DH does not have enough patience so I think can she can feel when DH is tense getting her settled.
101
Posts
EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 14 September 2011 - 22:39
Thanks HAK. DH does not play and cuddle DD much when she is happy so will advise him. And DH does not have enough patience so I think can she can feel when DH is tense getting her settled.
1861
Posts
EW EXPERT
Latest post on 14 September 2011 - 09:22
Basically, it's not a tantrum and considering she's so young, it's not down to habit, stubbornness, or something that she should "get over" or be punished/ disciplined for. Your DH should try really, really hard not to superimpose adult feelings and motives on her - young babies operate on survival instincts - I need to be loved, so that they will keep feeding me. The separation anxiety is completely linked into that - no mummy = no food = I'm going to starve to death! Yikes - that'd set me off too! Young babies also have no sense of time and object permanence, so when you leave the room, they really, really think you've disappeared and may never come back. I'm going to go out on a limb here and also say that your DH's frustration *may* not be helping either. Babies pick up on vibes, so if your DH gets frustrated, short and angry at her crying (yes, difficult not to sometimes) that is going to scare her and compound her feeling of wanting you and only you. Does her also play and cuddle her lots when she's happy? It may be worth building on the happy parts so that she knows that he too is a relaxed, cuddly and comforting person! Lastly, she's very, very young to have full-blown separation anxiety - usually babies only reach the developmental milestones of object permanence and a notion of self at around 8 months - before then, they kind of think they're part of you. Certainly don't change your feeding or sleeping practices because of it. Your DH sounds a bit like my dad - a bit Old School... I remember he once declared that, at about 8 weeks, DD was "bl00dy-minded" (ie stubborn), "wilful" and just trying to manipulate me because she screamed for 30 minutes in her car-seat... no, she was just uncomfortable and wanted to get out, but couldn't. If you brand a child, it clouds your interaction with them.
101
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 14 September 2011 - 00:55
beard? :) DH shaves everyday but of course his face in midday or afternoon is not as smooth like after shaving in the morning. will tell this to DH. thanks T_B :)
574
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EW GURU
Latest post on 14 September 2011 - 00:39
I went through something similar with my LO for about 2 weeks about a month ago when he was 4.5 months, so we also assumed it was separation anxiety although I thought this happened later on. One day when DH got home from work and picked him up to kiss him, he went off blaring almost without breathing to the point where his face was near-blue. As soon as I took him he stopped. He did this for a few days on different occasions when DH picked him up, so he ended up swearing to me that he never hit DS :) So we thought it was something DH was wearing and he then changed deodorant (twice) without any improvement. Eventually we realised it was his beard ... DH only shaves every 2-3 days as he has very sensitive skin and apparently Mister LO does not like this ...
 
 

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