Saying Goodbye to Christmas....

Cherpie, are you in his family book? Is he a local? Has he ever physically abused you? Have you ever found him cheating on you or doing something that according to Islam is haram (aka: alcohol etc.. which you would need hard evidence for)? If you have replied yes to any of the latter 2 questions then you have full rights to divorce him (even if he doesn't want to), take the children AND all your rights (Aka: the divorce money, a place to live in after the divorce and a stipen per child) Honestly you sound a bit like myself (minus the children). I am married (soon to be officially divorced) to a local who made outrageous rules for me and constant exceptions for himself. Not only that but he was constantly putting me down, cheating on me with Russian ladies behind my back, beating me when I would check his phone and find evidence to confront him. I kept giving him chance after chance after chance because I loved him and marriage meant 'till death do us part' according to my upbringing. Unfortunatly it was only after we got married that his true colors came out and I found out their interpretation of a wife in his eye. And I quote 'You are only good for 3 things: Cooking, cleaning and opening your legs and are not allowed to speak or ask questions, see nothing, hear nothing, say nothing. He made me feel like I can't make it here without him and he had full control over me in every aspect of my life. Now I have turned the tables and filed for divorce. I have informed his family of my decision and told them the reasons very clearly and am looking forward to being rid of the SOB once and for all! I hope you realize that you DON'T have to put up with any of this and there is no point in continuing a life that brings you sadness and pain. The day you are rid of it is the day you start living! I truely hope things aren't as bad as they were for me, but if they are I totally get what you're going through. PS. I am a blonde hair, green eyed American who has had enough :) Kids change things. I think if Cherpie had no kids, this person would have been nothing beyond a bad chapter in life that she left behind. Good for you for saying enough. I hope the next chapter wipes the last away!

Mrs B - know of plenlty of local famalies where the children are with their mother, as per Islam. It is nothing to do with the family book - the wife is also in the family book - by your logic you are saying that teh wife "belongs" to the husband too? This. Children remain under the custody of their mums until the age of 7 or 8, they are very strict here, the husband have to provide a house & income to the mother, & women have the right to devorce themselves in court, my friend did it, she went to the court & devorced herself & her children are living with her. Cherpie before playing the victim here, can I ask how long you've been married? How many children do you have? When did all this mess started? Before looking for empathy from a forum with 80% none muslim members & blaming all this on a religion, some background on your life would be nice to clear those issues you're complaining about. Why did your husband become spiteful all of a sudden? As you have a box of christmas stuff I guess you celebrated christmas before with your children & husband? Did you go to a lawyer to check your legal rights in this marriage before building assumptions? I think as a foreigner you should have an embassy here, did you contact them? You should look into your whole marriage & try to solve your issues instead of whining over Christmas, Christmas comes & goes every year, but living in a miserable relationship with no common ground is a lifetime thing. What about your children? How's their relationship with their dad? Many facts are missing here. Islam & religion has nothing to do with it, so please stop playing this card, many comments here are offensive to Muslims, mixing cultural practices with religion is not acceptable, I will not go OT by quoting posts & arguing to show the differences, this is not what the thread is about. I really hope you find a solution to your problems

Seriously amazing suggestion, I never would have thought of myself! :D I think he has killed your spirit. And, even if it is in a holiday that you hadn't celebrated, if you can revive that, you can have a bit of spirit back. And he cannot take this away without contradicting his packs stance. They do not own this holiday. It is not theirs. It is a holiday of care, respect, love, and happiness - get in on it. yes but will he not just take heart from Cherpie finally giving in to his will ? I don't see how this is anything but conforming to his instructions... Let this person think whatever he wants to think. Stop caring. If you know that you cannot beat this person now, why sacrifice any happiness on your part by being angry at it? He has folded his arms - flick your hair and say I am a woman! He has not broken me... he has only given me another learning experience. In X years, when the children have grown, I will NOT look back saying that I never enjoyed anything as it was taken from me... I will say I did the BEST I could with what I had, and I was happy because I found that happy place in ME. If, after doing this, Once happy is found within you, however he changes tactics will not hit you are hard, as it is in you to help you.

Cherpie, are you in his family book? Is he a local? Has he ever physically abused you? Have you ever found him cheating on you or doing something that according to Islam is haram (aka: alcohol etc.. which you would need hard evidence for)? If you have replied yes to any of the latter 2 questions then you have full rights to divorce him (even if he doesn't want to), take the children AND all your rights (Aka: the divorce money, a place to live in after the divorce and a stipen per child) Honestly you sound a bit like myself (minus the children). I am married (soon to be officially divorced) to a local who made outrageous rules for me and constant exceptions for himself. Not only that but he was constantly putting me down, cheating on me with Russian ladies behind my back, beating me when I would check his phone and find evidence to confront him. I kept giving him chance after chance after chance because I loved him and marriage meant 'till death do us part' according to my upbringing. Unfortunatly it was only after we got married that his true colors came out and I found out their interpretation of a wife in his eye. And I quote 'You are only good for 3 things: Cooking, cleaning and opening your legs and are not allowed to speak or ask questions, see nothing, hear nothing, say nothing. He made me feel like I can't make it here without him and he had full control over me in every aspect of my life. Now I have turned the tables and filed for divorce. I have informed his family of my decision and told them the reasons very clearly and am looking forward to being rid of the SOB once and for all! I hope you realize that you DON'T have to put up with any of this and there is no point in continuing a life that brings you sadness and pain. The day you are rid of it is the day you start living! I truely hope things aren't as bad as they were for me, but if they are I totally get what you're going through. PS. I am a blonde hair, green eyed American who has had enough :)

Seriously amazing suggestion, I never would have thought of myself! :D I think he has killed your spirit. And, even if it is in a holiday that you hadn't celebrated, if you can revive that, you can have a bit of spirit back. And he cannot take this away without contradicting his packs stance. They do not own this holiday. It is not theirs. It is a holiday of care, respect, love, and happiness - get in on it. yes but will he not just take heart from Cherpie finally giving in to his will ? I don't see how this is anything but conforming to his instructions...

MrsB - please can you stop posting stating that Pakistani Tribal Culture is "Islam" - it's not. As a Husband, Muslim or not - its highly disrepectful to throw out your wife's things. I did not, I don't think, in my post promote Pakistani Tribal Culture as "Islam". It is, as are most cultures, a combination of traditions and religion. You are right, Cherpie's husband is disrespectful to say the very least. He is a bully and will stand before his creator at his end and have to answer for his behaviour. I don't believe, as a Muslim woman, I am downtrodden or second best against my husband. I do know, however, when to sit quietly about certain things. Celebrating a holiday would be something low on the list of things to fight for regarding my children. Fight for a good education, the choice of marriage, etc. I do believe that in Muslim cultures, the children are written in the family record book as belonging to the father/family, not 50-50 with the mother and father. Please correct me if I am wrong. It is certainly the case with all Muslim families I know - Emirati, Jordanian, Palestinian Lebanese, Syrian - perhaps they are not the average, I don't know. (I asked the question to various friends last time it was raised on this forum.) I am happy to stand corrected, though. Is it any wonder why the rest of the world is wary of Islam and sharia law? Just because things are a certain way in certain countries DOESNT make it right. Men do not control women! My father would cringe at what you have been writing in your posts. He brought me up to be independent, autonomous and to make my own decisions. I certainly will never allow my daughter to be brought up to think like you. What a shame. And you can all give me the thumbs down for my harsh post if you wish. THIS KIND OF THINKING HAS TO STOP!!! <em>edited by derien on 15/10/2014</em>

Mrs B - know of plenlty of local famalies where the children are with their mother, as per Islam. It is nothing to do with the family book - the wife is also in the family book - by your logic you are saying that teh wife "belongs" to the husband too?

MrsB - please can you stop posting stating that Pakistani Tribal Culture is "Islam" - it's not. As a Husband, Muslim or not - its highly disrepectful to throw out your wife's things. I did not, I don't think, in my post promote Pakistani Tribal Culture as "Islam". It is, as are most cultures, a combination of traditions and religion. You are right, Cherpie's husband is disrespectful to say the very least. He is a bully and will stand before his creator at his end and have to answer for his behaviour. I don't believe, as a Muslim woman, I am downtrodden or second best against my husband. I do know, however, when to sit quietly about certain things. Celebrating a holiday would be something low on the list of things to fight for regarding my children. Fight for a good education, the choice of marriage, etc. I do believe that in Muslim cultures, the children are written in the family record book as belonging to the father/family, not 50-50 with the mother and father. Please correct me if I am wrong. It is certainly the case with all Muslim families I know - Emirati, Jordanian, Palestinian Lebanese, Syrian - perhaps they are not the average, I don't know. (I asked the question to various friends last time it was raised on this forum.) I am happy to stand corrected, though.

Seriously amazing suggestion, I never would have thought of myself! :D I think he has killed your spirit. And, even if it is in a holiday that you hadn't celebrated, if you can revive that, you can have a bit of spirit back. And he cannot take this away without contradicting his packs stance. They do not own this holiday. It is not theirs. It is a holiday of care, respect, love, and happiness - get in on it.

Mrs.B with all due respect- please stop posting about your way of interpreting Islam as the true Islam. You have posted about the children belonging to the father several times on here. That is NOT Islam. I am sure you know this as it has been brought to your attention before AND all one needs to do is ask an Iman or one of the cultural /religious understanding centers available here in Dubai. I completely agree with Izzys response on this.

Blinded by perception. Perception shrouded by ignorance. That is what I would describe your children's father as. Nothing to do with the event, everything to do with the treatment of a lady who his children will aspire to be - whether he likes it or not. Think of your kids. He is never going to change. Sadly, he has this control and power. He is not wise enough to see that if you are happy, his children will be. I advise to stop allowing this person to dictate life. If you cannot beat it, stop wasting energy trying to. Next Eid, give you kids an amazing celebration! If it is not the religious aspect of the holiday you are sad to lose, as I bet he would never have allowed that near the kids, then do not forfeit the fun - do it at a different holiday. It will be great for the kids as they get to celebrate a holiday they will love with their mother in the centre - let his pack be the OTHER thing the kids do at Eid. Learn about Eid the way a lot of expats here do, and teach the kids about it, too. Get excited together. Learn cool Eid recipes. Google Eid songs. It will be good for you as a learning experience and you will do what he never did - embrace a practice that is foreign to you.

MrsB - please can you stop posting stating that Pakistani Tribal Culture is "Islam" - it's not. In Islam the children remain with their mother until a certain age - they are not soley the propoerty of their father. You do no service to promoting our religion as one of moderation!!!! Witth regard to celebrating Christmas - as a Muslim - its not good to celebrate the festivals of other religions, whether Jesus (Issa) is a Muslim prophit or not. As a Husband, Muslim or not - its highly disrepectful to throw out your wife's things. Cherpie - i don't mean to sound harsh but you need to decide to stay or go, if you decide to stay, for your sanity you need to change your outlook or you life is going to be one of abject misery. If you decide to leave, i am sure that there are some women on this board who can help you off line.

I am sorry Cherpie. I hope you can find a way to resolve, what is, a terrible and unsustainable situation. He is a horrible husband and father.

." the children of any Muslim marriage belong to their father and to Islam" One word... BACKWARD! Cherpie I am so sorry you are in this situation.This is so wrong it really makes me feel ill to my stomach. <em>edited by derien on 15/10/2014</em>

Cherpie, I feel very sorry for what just happened to you, and your ongoing situation. Leaving aside the religion component, your DH doesn't seem to respect you, his loyal and faithful wife and mother of his kids. My Muslim Arab DH would be appalled by your DH (and, it appears, his family??)'s blatant, self-promoting, bullying campaign against you. I hope your DH has strong faith in the Day of Judgement, because he surely won't be able to hide from the consequences of his awful bullying. Yes, well said, Apricot. This disrespect of his wife and the mother of his children is far from being Islamic. "Heaven is at the foot of mother". He is a bully. All this aside, sadly, many mixed marriages are not successful once back in the "home country" and living in the extended family environment where there is a lot of support for established family traditions/behaviours. If I were you I would not push the Christmas celebrations or any other christian holiday. This is not part of Islam and, as you well know, the children of any Muslim marriage belong to their father and to Islam. He, I am sure, would not be happy that his children were celebrating a Christian holiday - certainly, I know my husband would not be. I know that many OPs here will not agree with me, but I strongly suggest that you are "quiet" and "do not rock the family boat". Life will be impossible for you if you are pushing to raise your children as Christians. You will not win this battle nor the war. Divorce?? Unless it is instigated by him, your chances are very, very slim. I wouldn't even tell you what my husband has told me about my chances of ever getting a divorce - every OP on this forum would "thumb down" me forever after! Basically, it is not an option. You have two options: 1. Run (alone) back to your family; 2. make the best of your situation, focus on your lovely children and make your own life within the parameters of the marriage. Well that was helpful ... No-one is talking about celebrating Christmas as a "Christian" festival... it's just a bit of fun and really hard to ignore... Cherpie has done her share, honouring the Islamic occasions - he's just being an @rse about it... I know lots of Muslims who love Christmas and mixed marriages should be mixed in every sense...

Cherpie, I feel very sorry for what just happened to you, and your ongoing situation. Leaving aside the religion component, your DH doesn't seem to respect you, his loyal and faithful wife and mother of his kids. My Muslim Arab DH would be appalled by your DH (and, it appears, his family??)'s blatant, self-promoting, bullying campaign against you. I hope your DH has strong faith in the Day of Judgement, because he surely won't be able to hide from the consequences of his awful bullying. Yes, well said, Apricot. This disrespect of his wife and the mother of his children is far from being Islamic. "Heaven is at the foot of mother". He is a bully. All this aside, sadly, many mixed marriages are not successful once back in the "home country" and living in the extended family environment where there is a lot of support for established family traditions/behaviours. If I were you I would not push the Christmas celebrations or any other christian holiday. This is not part of Islam and, as you well know, the children of any Muslim marriage belong to their father and to Islam. He, I am sure, would not be happy that his children were celebrating a Christian holiday - certainly, I know my husband would not be. I know that many OPs here will not agree with me, but I strongly suggest that you are "quiet" and "do not rock the family boat". Life will be impossible for you if you are pushing to raise your children as Christians. You will not win this battle nor the war. Divorce?? Unless it is instigated by him, your chances are very, very slim. I wouldn't even tell you what my husband has told me about my chances of ever getting a divorce - every OP on this forum would "thumb down" me forever after! Basically, it is not an option. You have two options: 1. Run (alone) back to your family; 2. make the best of your situation, focus on your lovely children and make your own life within the parameters of the marriage.

Since we can't seem to post about Wafi - Consider joining some of the EW ladies at the AcE Christmas event. I went last year and it was a lovely fun batch of ladies. It will be healing for you to get out and laugh. Also you may get more input on solutions

Will he let you take them away, Cherpie? The last thing you want is him using this against you later down the line & possibly painting it as something else (ie attempted kidnapping etc). If you do decide to have Christmas here, I'm sure EW will rally round and have a special Cherpie day!

Cherpie, I feel very sorry for what just happened to you, and your ongoing situation. Leaving aside the religion component, your DH doesn't seem to respect you, his loyal and faithful wife and mother of his kids. My Muslim Arab DH would be appalled by your DH (and, it appears, his family??)'s blatant, self-promoting, bullying campaign against you. I hope your DH has strong faith in the Day of Judgement, because he surely won't be able to hide from the consequences of his awful bullying.

My post about collecting xmas things for her was also deleted, presumably by mistake??? Unless there is something wrong with xmas? The plot thickens!!!!!!!!!! There IS something wrong with Xmas, it's him I'm telling you!! He appears at this time of year!

HI All, Sometimes... just sometimes.... things can be deleted in error either by admin or users... think that's what happened in this case. Just FYI EW Admin My post about collecting xmas things for her was also deleted, presumably by mistake??? Unless there is something wrong with xmas?