To have (kids) or have not? | ExpatWoman.com
 

To have (kids) or have not?

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EW MASTER
Latest post on 05 February 2013 - 20:05
Sorry to hijack but is there anyone here who is contemplating having a fourth child? Is that a crazy thing to do? I cannot make up my mind. Does anyone reading have 4 children? My fourth is due in a couple of weeks. I've always wanted four so I can't wait. Ask me in a month or two if it's crazy! Ok. I will!
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 05 February 2013 - 20:05
Sorry to hijack but is there anyone here who is contemplating having a fourth child? Is that a crazy thing to do? I cannot make up my mind. Does anyone reading have 4 children? My fourth is due in a couple of weeks. I've always wanted four so I can't wait. Ask me in a month or two if it's crazy!
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 05 February 2013 - 20:02
Sorry to hijack but is there anyone here who is contemplating having a fourth child? Is that a crazy thing to do? I cannot make up my mind. Does anyone reading have 4 children?
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 05 February 2013 - 19:43
In my 20s I knew I didn't want kids right now, but I also knew I wanted them, "someday" and although I've never been a "baby" person, I've always liked kids. I think if you hate the idea of having kids in your 20s you are unlikely to change your mind completely. If though you are getting emotional when your friends get pregnant and feeling sad that you don't, that suggests ti me that there is a gap in your heart that needs filling. Not that you are ever guaranteed to be able to have them though. I feel incredibly blessed, at one point it looked like we would not be able to have children. We sort of defied science and conceived both times pretty much straight away and one of each even, so sometimes it does go to plan... :)
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 05 February 2013 - 19:25
Wow some really good replies ladies. I think it was Kiwiwhispers who mentioned that having no 2 multiplies your love.I can honestly say having grand children makes it 3 times as much. My one son in his 30's has broken off 2 relationships because he doesn't want kids....... he is adamant.His argument is that he doesn't want to bring children into this world with all it's problems. That being said he adores his niece and nephew. My other son has given me 2 precious grandchildren. Not 65 yet but getting there and I couldn't imagine my life without my children and G children.Yes they can be a handful and I have friends, who never had kids, when they visit me they remark on how noisy it is and how do I cope with a house full of kids,G kids,cats, barking dogs and a naughty parrot (yes I live in a zoo !)........but thats what works for me. We are all different ,for some kids are everything after marriage but for others it is not.....who are we to judge. What I love is the times we live in people are not as quick to remark on ones childless status. Years agoI had a friend who tried for years to concieve,you wouldn't believe how manypeople would comment on the fact she was childless when everyone around her was 'popping out babies'.My heart just broke for her.As Pinks said spare a thought for those who would love a baby but can't.:( As has been said a very personal choice.
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 05 February 2013 - 19:15
I read through this thread and burst into tears, as the to have or have not debate is pretty much the only thing in my mind right now. Plus my best friend phoned yesterday from England to tell me she is pregnant - first week of trying!! And it made me feel really sad even though I am really pleased for her. I tried really hard to be happy for her and felt like a really horrible person for feeling totally rubbish about it.
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 05 February 2013 - 14:26
when DS turned 6 months DH and i started taking turns over weekends - Fridays he would lie in, Saturdays are mine! We do the alternate day weekend lie in too. Oh how I love Saturdays which is my day!
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 05 February 2013 - 14:23
But isn't the fact that you fear the altrnative also a reason to try? I think the comment on this board that you MAY regret not having children but you DEFINITELY won't regret having them says it all really. Why live a life of regret? Once children are part of your life, the maternal instict kicks in. I've known two people that have had children because they felt they 'should' but have regretted it :(
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 05 February 2013 - 11:04
i also feared the alternative. so we started trying and after 3 miscarriages we gave up. like a previous poster i did not want to go down the IVF or adoption route (personal reasons) and DH accepted that. he always said he will respect my decision either way. i woke up one morning, decided that i wanted to give it one last try and 9 months later our son was born. he is the light of our lives. 5am has never looked and felt so good. when DS turned 6 months DH and i started taking turns over weekends - Fridays he would lie in, Saturdays are mine! do i miss my old, carefree life? sometimes but then DS does something amazing and ... well ... who cares about that previous life? LOL seriously, it gets easier as they grow up and you can definitely have a life again after having a baby, it's just different. in fact - it's better. btw: i'm also 40 and maternal instinct only kicked in approx 6 weeks after DS was born! good luck OP and all the other ladies tossing and turning with this decision x
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EW GURU
Latest post on 05 February 2013 - 10:50
Looking at my happy-no-kids-couple friends who are well over 40, I believe it's a matter of personal choice and drives rather than go for thoughts of regrets etc! I have frnds( from India) where not having kids is SUCH a taboo and no-no but they still managed not to succumb to peer pressure and be childless out of sheer choice... am quoting them: " we want to continue enjoying our independent lives and if too hard pressed to feel more MATURE...will have pets!" However, must add they are all career driven women or couples who are just about settled in their lives financially...so keen to enjoy the fruits of hardwork and not spend it on hard task like raising a child!
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 05 February 2013 - 10:40
But isn't the fact that you fear the altrnative also a reason to try? I think the comment on this board that you MAY regret not having children but you DEFINITELY won't regret having them says it all really. Why live a life of regret? Once children are part of your life, the maternal instict kicks in.
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 05 February 2013 - 10:36
Yes, definitely not kicked in for me either and I'm 39! This thread has been so useful to me. Thank you ladies for all your responses and to the OP for posting :-). The more I think about it the more my concern about having children is driven by fear of the alternative, rather than the really wanting a baby. So if I'm honest, I think that might answer the question itself. Although I doubt this will stop the indecisive angst, it has helped enormously. FFx Wow Fairfield, are we living in a parallel universe??? This is me all over and same age too, the big 4 0 looms this year.Your words "driven by fear of the alternative" are spot on. Thanks for that, you've made me feel better too.
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EW GURU
Latest post on 05 February 2013 - 10:27
Yes, definitely not kicked in for me either and I'm 39! This thread has been so useful to me. Thank you ladies for all your responses and to the OP for posting :-). The more I think about it the more my concern about having children is driven by fear of the alternative, rather than the really wanting a baby. So if I'm honest, I think that might answer the question itself. Although I doubt this will stop the indecisive angst, it has helped enormously. FFx
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 05 February 2013 - 10:18
In my early 20s and currently have no desire whatsoever for children. However I assume that by the time I'm 30 the maternal instinct will kick in? But this thread is making me question that assumption... I agree with blimey - not necessarily. I've never wanted kids, but everyone insisted the maternal instinct would kick in around 30. Well, here I am at 30 and still no urges. That's not to say it will never happen, but I don't think there's any magic age for it.
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 04 February 2013 - 18:58
In my early 20s and currently have no desire whatsoever for children. However I assume that by the time I'm 30 the maternal instinct will kick in? But this thread is making me question that assumption... Not necessarily. I have two child free friends who are happy with their status. Both told me that if one day they wake up and suddenly feeling broody, they will just adopt. I also have a childless friend who have accepted that she is not meant to be a mother and chose not to adopt but focus on her pets. I spent years longing for children. After 6 years of marriage, I was blessed with one and I love her to bits. I never envy my child free friends' lifestyle, don't miss my life pre motherhood but do I want to go through the pregnancy, maternity, terrible two experience again? NO....THANKS!
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 04 February 2013 - 17:35
In my early 20s and currently have no desire whatsoever for children. However I assume that by the time I'm 30 the maternal instinct will kick in? But this thread is making me question that assumption...
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 04 February 2013 - 17:03
From the time I was little, all I wanted was to get married and have lots of kids. I have three now and trying to convince DH for a fourth (I want a daughter so badly) but I doubt its going to happen. I also recently read the quote someone else mentioned; you may never regret not having a child but you will never regret the one you had. Bringing up kids is not easy but it is fun and fulfilling. Good Luck with your decision.
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EW GURU
Latest post on 04 February 2013 - 15:54
Thought I'll link this article I read a few days back from two very different points of view. http://www.slate.com/blogs/quora/2012/12/28/what_is_it_like_to_be_an_adult_and_not_have_kids.html
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 04 February 2013 - 15:52
I think what people mean by that is that to have children means giving up pretty much all of your freedom especially in the beginning and if your not someone who wants to give up their current lifestyle then it wouldn't be the right thing for you.
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 04 February 2013 - 15:43
A few posters have equated not wanting children with being selfish or having children as being willing to put others first or being selfless but I totally don't see it like that at all. Isn't wanting to replicate your genes the ultimate form of narcissism? Yes, you put your children first but on a biological level it's to ensure continuation of the species, no different than any other animal. I'm not trying to take away from the warm fuzziness and all encompassing love of parenthood but I don't think it's fair to think someone who doesn't want children is selfish. I certainly don't see my childless friends as selfish at all. Anyway, I'm about to have my fourth baby so by my reasoning I'm a narcissist in a pretty big way :D
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 04 February 2013 - 14:41
I'm glad someone's raised the infertility issue... you don't always get to choose if you have children or not. Please really be thankful if you get the choice. edited by pinks on 04/02/2013 Amen to that.
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EW GURU
Latest post on 04 February 2013 - 13:50
Bubble trubble - what wonderful news. I remember when you adopted your little girl and I can't believe she's not 10 - wow! I can't tell you how happy I am for you and your husband to be expecting! I can't imagine your excitement/shock! OP - I experienced quite a number of miscarriages over quite a number of years and just felt that I would never have a baby of my own. My DH and I decided to just enjoy ourselves, go on amazing holidays and have fun. We had sort of decided that we would be fine without kids when I found out at 41 that I was pregnant! I went on to have a gorgeous little boy and at 43 had a beautiful little girl. I'm pretty sure that my DH and I would have been fine without kids and we would, for sure, have had an amazing life but........I would not be without my kids! It's something you can't really explain to someone - now - as they are growing up - nearly 10 and 8 - I can see little bits of me in them both and little bits of my husband in them too and we are still having a fabulous life - we are just doing slightly different things. We still have gorgeous holidays (if you ask my 2 where their favourite holiday destination is they will tell you The Maldives!). There is something so, so amazing about having children. I have some friends who do not have children and have taken that decision not to and they have a wonderful life (they are amazing Auntie and Uncles!) It's such a personal decision and really only one that you and your DH can make. Bubble trubble - please post on here when your special little one arrives! So, so pleased for you. Thanks Claire... time surely flew!! We couldnt believe it wen ob gyn told us we were 8 weeks pregnant already wen I went for check up for delayed period! At 37 yrs of age I had completely given up hope of natural conception....now DD is over the moon as she was forever nagging us to get her a sibling. Our dossier was getting ready for adoption submission this March/April.....nature surely does play tricks! New baby due on 10th March...to be induced earlier than actual date of 22nd as I am on insulin for gestational diabetes. Will surely keep you posted....thanks once again Claire for remembering..it was way way looong ago, eh! I wudn't wish infertility or miscarriages upon my choicest of enemies too.....EVER and Pinks u r correct... one should be lucky to make a choice of having baby....really!
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EW GURU
Latest post on 04 February 2013 - 13:12
I'm glad someone's raised the infertility issue... you don't always get to choose if you have children or not. Please really be thankful if you get the choice. <em>edited by pinks on 04/02/2013</em>
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 04 February 2013 - 13:06
Bubble trubble - what wonderful news. I remember when you adopted your little girl and I can't believe she's not 10 - wow! I can't tell you how happy I am for you and your husband to be expecting! I can't imagine your excitement/shock! OP - I experienced quite a number of miscarriages over quite a number of years and just felt that I would never have a baby of my own. My DH and I decided to just enjoy ourselves, go on amazing holidays and have fun. We had sort of decided that we would be fine without kids when I found out at 41 that I was pregnant! I went on to have a gorgeous little boy and at 43 had a beautiful little girl. I'm pretty sure that my DH and I would have been fine without kids and we would, for sure, have had an amazing life but........I would not be without my kids! It's something you can't really explain to someone - now - as they are growing up - nearly 10 and 8 - I can see little bits of me in them both and little bits of my husband in them too and we are still having a fabulous life - we are just doing slightly different things. We still have gorgeous holidays (if you ask my 2 where their favourite holiday destination is they will tell you The Maldives!). There is something so, so amazing about having children. I have some friends who do not have children and have taken that decision not to and they have a wonderful life (they are amazing Auntie and Uncles!) It's such a personal decision and really only one that you and your DH can make. Bubble trubble - please post on here when your special little one arrives! So, so pleased for you.
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EW GURU
Latest post on 04 February 2013 - 12:17
We were on similar crossroads 8 yrs back...having a fab life: travelling around the world, having parties every weekend, late nights, really really adventurous life, care two hoots about savings etc... then all our frnds started popping babies...their lifestyle changed right in front of our lives. We used to love holding lil babies but used to wonder how our frnds used to cope with constant child care..hardly any sleep etc. But we both( DH and I) realised when the babies/toddlers had happy moments the pleasure it gave our frnds was indecribable... We sat down , sorted our earnings, saving plans and decided time to move in to adventure of parenthood...met the first hurdle..I was infertile..IUI, IVF...nothing worked.... by that time we were on a MISSION..it seems!! LOL.... we didnt give up... adopted a 2 yr old toddler... WOw...wat a rollercoaster ride it has been....our previous life of adventure pales..really! settling in a toddler with 3 rescued dogs, coping with her ADHD and dyslexia..with hardly any biological bonding was a challenge. But today wen we look at our gorgeous 10 yr old daughter being a happy lovely child...it gives us nothing but sheer unadulterated pleasure. As if nature was also in to surprise us...we got pregnant last year, due next month! Another joy ride about to start... I will be lying if I say never ever regeretted parenthood... we did have our low moments wen we doubted our stubborness to beat nature and adopt.... but who doesnt with children! If you know you want kids...your instincts will steer you towards it... men just go with the flow with what keeps their women content...they always want to be free birds..LOL! My DH was ok without kids, with the idea of infertility and no kids; with adoption and now he is grappling with the idea of a newborn!!! Poor him....
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EW EXPLORER
Latest post on 04 February 2013 - 12:07
I have always never wanted kids and same goes with DH. We are in our mid 30's and are very happy with our decision. We know that we are not missing out on anything nor are we going to regret the choices we made when we reach retirement ages.
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EW MASTER
Latest post on 04 February 2013 - 11:02
If you are in a situation in your life where you have a stable partner (are you married , as this may be an issue here) and you feel you are ready? How old are you? then aboslutely go for it. Life really starts when you have children. And ignore all my other threads about my boys giving me grey hair. They are beyong amazing! Hope this helps! Life starts when you have children, inclined to disagree hehe
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 04 February 2013 - 11:01
If you are in a situation in your life where you have a stable partner (are you married , as this may be an issue here) and you feel you are ready? How old are you? then aboslutely go for it. Life really starts when you have children. And ignore all my other threads about my boys giving me grey hair. They are beyong amazing! Hope this helps!
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EW NEWBIE
Latest post on 04 February 2013 - 10:42
I think someone mentioned that you MAY regret not having children but you DEFINITELY won't regret having them. I second this. I think people who really don't won't children just know it. Or could it be that they only appear confident so that other people don't give them a hard time about it? All this reminds me of something my mum told me when I was a child which still hold true now, "If you're wondering if something is good or bad, then its probably bad". Maybe OP you could apply this to the question at hand and see what you come up with? As in, "If I'm wondering whether to have kids or not, it means I should probably....". Might reveal the state of your mind. Also, we could probably approach this question from a different angle. Its not what having children can do for you but what can you offer a child. I always knew that I would be able to offer love but had serious doubts about my ability to be patient. I was confident however that my DH would be able to offer both as he was/is always very patient with me. Turns out I can offer both! Financial security was always on the list but not very high up as I come from a middle class background and my parents weren't able to give me FS but I always had lots of love. That said, we've certainly become less spendthirft as parents so we can save more. I'm trying not to share my experiences/feelings as a mother so as not to muddy the water any further (after all you've not asked for our experience just how to tackle the question) but this is just what I would say to you or any friend if you were sitting across the couch from me!
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EW EXPERT
Latest post on 03 February 2013 - 17:27
And by the way, loved the comment about your heart not dividing, but multiplying. OMG I'm getting sentimental now!!!! I have to admit I didn't exactly coin that phrase, I stole the multiplying part from one of those inspirational quotes that mothers are always junking up their facebook walls with, its true though. ;)
 
 

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