Mother in Law

His hair wasn't that long. It was neat. My MIL now thinks that it would be better for us only to call once a week as the kids were upset and cried after we skyped last night. My daughter actually had her bags packed and wanted to come home Why exactly are they still there? You son just had a traumatic haircut. Your daughter has packed her bags. Seriously, what are u waiting for? Loving grandparents or not, when your kids want to come home, they need to come home. And once a week to talk to the kids who are 4 & 6?? Is she for real??

Oh no, she did this on purpose. DH is furious with her. We hardly ever use both surnames. She knew what she was doing. The point she won't realise is that she has pushed DD further away. We were both very upset at how upset DD was about it all.

Maybe she thought it wouldn't reach your daughter if it didn't have the right family name on it?

I posted earlier on in this thread but had to tell about my MIL. As I said earlier my DD refuses to stay with my MIL but will quite happily stay with my parents. We had to tell my MIL that she didn't want to go and stay with her and that it was her decision. She has now sent my DD a postcard to my parents address taking off my DH surname (she has a double barreled surname)so now just carries my maiden name. How would you react to this?

hey gal, i know ur mil shud have asked before doing something like this... but its only hair it will grow back and its summer, short hair is mor comfy for any child. will i be furious - may be for a while but then i wud understand

what a horrific thing to do to you derien! and simpleasbc ... i have no words. i sympathise with you ladies & really hope things get better / are resolved. i have a dream of a MIL and when i hear stories like these, i thank my lucky stars.

His hair wasn't that long. It was neat. My MIL now thinks that it would be better for us only to call once a week as the kids were upset and cried after we skyped last night. My daughter actually had her bags packed and wanted to come home *******&%!!!***&&&!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!$$$$$$$$$****** How much longer will they be staying with them? Have you been Skypeing every day, so far? You can't do that to children, if they want to talk to their parents and you have the option there, it's cruel to stop them. As kavsmum says, your MIL may not realize it, but she has shot herself in the foot behaving like this, because now what are the chances of her having her grandchildren to herself ever again till they're adults? NONE, I would say :(

I totally sympathise with you. If I started on my MIL I could take up the whole of EW!!!! I send my DD to my mothers in the UK for 10 weeks in the summer. She flies there and back on her own but refuses point blank to stay with my MIL & FIL.My parents are great with her and consult me on things that need my input. Ok, they do spoil her while she is there but they only see her 15 weeks out of the year. No way would I have let anybody decide that she was having her hair cut though. You tell your MIL this and if she doesn't agree she doesn't get the children on her own again. That is if they want to go after this. She could have sealed her own fate without even thinking about it. Good luck.

That's not good derien, is it possible for them to come home early? You're MIL sounds like she's not being very sensitive to the situation, your kids are (understandably) missing you and she's reacting by trying to have you see/speak to them LESS? Even if your MIL thinks that it's best that you only speak to them once a week I don't really think it's up to her to decide how often you speak to your children. The same as it's not up to her to decide how long your son's hair should be.

Its hair, it will grow back. Im sure he looks much nicer now he looks like a boy instead of a girl Seriously! last time i checked this was 2011! Since when do we start labelling and putting kids in boxes? Boys can have long hair if they want, and girls can have short hair! That was a pathetic comment by our souls (ar**hole!) unnecessary among the wonderful MIL memories...

I am glad that my post touched some of you and yes, I was totally gobsmacked to receive this beautiful ring which had been passed down her side of the family since 1860. She did tell me that I was to receive the ring just a few weeks before she died. She wore it all the time. I can remember gritting my teeth over things she said and did, but it was never in malice bless her. I too am a MIL and have a wonderful SIL. My adult children were blessed with loving grandparents and it killed me to see their hurt when my dad, then FIL and MIL died. Grandparents are a gift but sometimes need to be reminded who is in charge. I know it can be difficult and I have been nipped a couple of times by my DD when I've said something out of turn without thinking and there are no grandchildren yet!!! Hope I behave if/when there are :)

JoyceB What a lovely post I shed a tear when I got to the part about the ring. It is so true that when you are the focus of a nasty MIL you try so very hard to do the right thing when you are the MIL.As I have said in a previous thread I had the MIL from h**l but my husband stood by me all the way. Her behaviour was so bad while he was growing up and it just continued after he met me and we got married.In fact my FIL was just as bad if not worse. When MIL passed away I made my peace with her passing and asked the Good Lord to forgive me for feeling sorry for her but not feeling the grief I posssibly should have. I think that is why JoyceB's post connected so with me. simpleasabc I can somewhat understand the position you find yourselves in. We are today having to support FIL as step MIL looks to us to top up. We are not rolling by any means and have to tread carefully on the road to our old age. It just doesn't seem fair but we feel an obligation. If anything this whole sorry story has taught me one thing, no matter what, you have to embrace the person your children decide to spend the rest of their lives with. I love my DIL dearly don't always agree with her choices but keep it to myself ( hard as it may be sometimes ). I always ask her before I do anything out of the ordinary with the grandchildren. I think the key to success is straight out honesty.Speak openly to MIL with husband present and tell her how and why she has upset you (of course as calmly as possible). I myself appreciate it if I have upset DIL and she comes to me and discusses it .In fact we have had a few talks about some minor issues(spoiling actually !! it is so difficult not to as I just adore my GKids ). I do realise in many instances this is not possible as happened in my case sitting down for a chat resulted in a full out barney. In the end we were completely isolated from each other and they missed out on sharing my precious childrens childhood years. At 14 my youngest was introduced to his grandmother for the first time since he was a baby. He couldn't respond to this stranger and it was terribly difficult all round.My husband had begged his mom over the years to be part of their lives ( I had stepped out of the picture completely and she had full access to the kids whenever she wanted ) but she chose not to. Sorry for the long post girls but as you can see it hits a raw nerve. At all costs try and sort out these issues when they happen, or you will carry it with you over to the next incident. This is all good practice for when you will be a MIL one day. ;)

i'm sure you all feel you have valid complaints against your inlaws - or "FOO" (lol) but i'd just like to say that none of my children's grandparents ever got that involved in their lives and it's been quite a disappointment to be honest... i would have loved for my parents to have had my kids to stay with them or whatever but they never offered and we never asked...looking back now i wish i had thought about it because they now say they would have loved to have spent more time with them but never asked...we just assumed they weren't interested !! Grandparents are so important - they love your children like they loved you... Sorry for your loss Joyce - lovely post..

Its hair, it will grow back. Im sure he looks much nicer now he looks like a boy instead of a girl

I posted before I saw the Greek connection - sorry. I really do feel for you....the fact that she has so little regard for the person she loves most of all...and the fact that your DH finds it impossible (understandably) to stand up to her. Logic wouls say cut up her credit cards and take her name off the account and don't stump up when she borrows from elsewhere. Easier said than done I know. I do hope you find a way through it as it must be such a wedge between you. If all else fails, pray for a cold winter!! (Can I say that?!)

SueR, I appreciate your support, but I'm afraid many of the factors you mention don't apply to our circumstances. Thank you for the suggestions, though. We have been finding with my mother, who is in the UK, that unless the elderly person has been sectioned, (or so it seems to us) they are allowed to make their own decisions and Social Services and other bodies will not help or interfere if the elderly person refuses to cooperate with them. Thanks for the pointers, Abaddon, but I just needed to vent last night, my husband will carry on doing what he's doing because he's a Greek only child and it's his mother. Also, mostly, his money - terrible thing to say, but part of the reason I stopped working when I was in a job I really disliked was because I was fed up with my hard-earned money going ma-in-law's way.. I've been fighting this battle since my father-in-law died 17 years ago, my husband is equally p*ssed off nowadays but refuses to put his mother in the street and is unable to get her to curb her excesses, she is extremely stubborn and just does what she likes, borrowing from elsewhere if we don't stump up. Over the years, we've found several solutions to her debt problems, but she has refused to accept them, thus leaving us in deeper dooh-dah. As her credit cards are on his accounts, if you see what I mean, we have no option but to be liable. He did that so that if ever there was a medical emergency, the doctors would be paid. She has abused his kindness by calling an ambulance to take her to a private room in a private hospital whenever she feels ill, or fancies a change of scenery, more likely, without her doctor's say-so. Of course, had he been the type who would see his mother in the street, I wouldn't have married him - I take heart that at least she's not living with us - although then, at least, we could have saved some money ;) That's enough of my mother-in-law, she'll outlive us all anyway and then have to take responsibility for her debts, and ours :D

Its no joke when someone oversteps boundaries... Like making decisions for your children on certain matters without consulting you. there is a wonderful group for any of you who would like to learn how to deal with in-laws, or your own family in situations like this: http://community.babycenter.com/groups/a4725/dealing_with_the_inlaws_and_foo_family_of_origin Word of advice if you do decide to join--read the sticky and be prepared.... some of the people are harsh depending on the situation but they really really mean to be that way as a slap to jolt you into taking action . It is crazy how many people have stories of their in-laws talking grandchildren for first haircuts, first professional photos, haircuts without permission, etc... and even much, much worse. Simpleabc, you need that board really bad... But your situation is one where you will hear some harsh advice... your going into debt for your MIL's irresponsibility is just not right! Derien, just because someone is in a worse situation with their in-laws(and simpleabc's situation can be remedied by them not enabling her MIL by refusing to bail her out of debt--but this is really her husband who she needs to work on), don't let that make you feel your feelings on the matter are not valid --that your MIL cut your son's hair without your permission, and all the while your son was not wanting his hair cut! that is boundary stomping and your MIL needs to know, admit, and apologize sincerely for it out she needs sooner time out as punishment. edited by Abaddon on 05/08/2011 <em>edited by Abaddon on 05/08/2011</em>

Point taken!!!

I'm so sorry to hear that JoyceB. It's lovely that you have such good memories to remember her by.

I can fully understand the anger felt by young mums who feel that their authority is being undermined by the older generation who have previously brought children up and think they know better. Believe me I had my own battles with my MIL years ago, usually to do with giving the kids stuff I didn't approve of. I once caught mine spoon feeding my DD with pudding behind a closed kitchen door when I had said no pudding as she hadn't eaten her dinner. It was the end of the world at the time, now I just smile at the memory. Cutting a childs hair is a different matter of course and I'd have been furious too. My MIL had a MIL who hated her because she was angry that her DS had married an English girl instead of a "nice Scots lass". Her wrath included her grandchildren and she basically ignored my DH and his sister. Her reaction on becoming a grandmother herself was to go a bit overboard with her first grandchildren. She was good to me too. My MIL died very suddenly 4 weeks ago and we are all heartbroken. She had been a fit and healthy 83 year old lady so it was a shock. We are at the moment, clearing what was the family home and there are tears anew as we keep finding things that she treasured, pics of DH and I as a young engaged couple, the kids growing up etc. In her will, she left me a beautiful ruby and diamond ring with a little message thanking me for being a wonderful wife to her DS and loving mum to the children. I know that some MILs can be a nightmare but many do what they do out of love, albeit misguided at times. Apologies for the long post. By all means, put grandmothers in their place when they overstep the mark but never foget that they love your children very much and you too, if you are as lucky as I was :) x <em>edited by JoyceB on 05/08/2011</em>

What does DH say about all of this?? Can he stand up to his own mother??? Has he said anything to her yet? This is just so infuriating and so unacceptable!!!! I can't believe her audacity!!! She has to have the lines drawn again... and as for Tru Blu below withe the first solids - yikes!! Who do these women think they are? I have many a story to tell with mine so don't get me started.... the most recent being her acting as the Tooth Fairy and taking DD's first tooth and throwing it away. May sound gross, but I wanted to keep them.... it is a constant battle for me to get DH to keep her in her place but without me being the nagging wife. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!

I sent me children to my Parents-in-law for two weeks as a favor for them ( and the kids) When we skyped the kids this afternoon, my MIL had thought it would be a good idea to get my son's hair cut without asking me. He had beautiful long hair. I am fuming, Would you be upset? Unacceptable. Let her get away with it this once, but let her know, NOW, how you feel and that if she does it again, there will be big dramas! Edited to add: My MIL gave DS1 his first taste of solids!!!! Now that nearly sent me over the edge!!!! <em>edited by Tru Blu on 05/08/2011</em>

My MIL did this not once but twice! I asked her politely through clenched teeth the first time to please not do it. A while thereafter she did it again. My DH had to have a stern word with her as I was ready to strangle her. We already have such a strained relationship and she just keeps digging it into a deeper hole. I feel your pain...

If she was really oldfashioned, most boys looked like girls in my parents' childhoods. My father's oldest brother had the most beautiful long blond ringlets!!! Unfortunately, it appears on the surface at least, to be a control issue. YOUR and YOUR HUSBAND's Children are under YOUR control, not hers. If she can't or won't comply with your wishes, then she can't be trusted to be alone with them IMHO. <em>edited by marycatherine on 05/08/2011</em>

Why are you wanting boys to have long hair in the first place ? Did you ask her why she did it ? Maybe she's just old fashioned and doesn't like seeing long haired boys...agree that she shouldn't have continued if he was in obvious discomfort though... And sympathies with Simpleas - Hope you can find some way round it....