Is there any way that you personally would leave your kids?

@bcbc, your story brought tears to my eye. You are so strong to be able to go through all that. I would never leave my kids...never. At times, I feel like running away from them but I know I could never be happy without them in my life. makes me cry too .. only not so much now .. thanks to EW .. plenty of group therapy! xx

@ shagdash: I would only say that I am thankful and privileged with all the blessings I have However, for a child, knowing that your mother went to another country and is working to provide for you is very much different from a mother that just left ...

What would all of you have to say about our maids, who all have had to leave their kids behind (mine has 3 under the age of 10) under someone else's care?

@bcbc, your story brought tears to my eye. You are so strong to be able to go through all that. I would never leave my kids...never. At times, I feel like running away from them but I know I could never be happy without them in my life.

I am still very much struggling with the idea of it being 'okay' for a Mum to leave her children with a Father who is a bully or violent? How can someone be considered a 'good Father' when he bullies his own wife and Mother of the children? Sometimes a woman has no option - their partner will not let them take the children whilst his treatment of her makes it impossible for the woman to stay - its either find the strength to leave without the children or complete the slide to a mental breakdown or worse suicide. I know of someone very dear who did this and I had myself reached the point of considering it. My ex had major issues with the 'wife' role and gave whoever his wife was lots of **** and abuse, it was part of his bringing up. Yet he was an okay father and when it came to loosing them, he actually became a reasonably good father, but he just wouldn't let me take them. True it was less a matter of doing what's best for the kids but more of wanting to keep control for him. When it came down to him taking the kids back with him from school (remember we are in Dubai)...picking them up from where we lived by simply going over when nanny was carrying for them, brought so much instability for the kids, I did consider giving up for their own betterment and because my mental situation was deteriorating and I knew he would be a more 'stable' parent. This issue is still not completely resolved for me, but its really not fair for us to judge anybody's circumstance from a distance.

@bbcb: Your story is so touching. And big hugs to you for getting through all of this. And a tender kiss on your scar. Hope the one inside gets better some day! It definitely seems that the lady in the article is self centered, but, who are we to judge. Sometimes circumstances dictate actions and reactions, and we don't know what's behind all of this. Life is not black and white, it holds a lot of shades of grey. I know a couple (distant friends). Married for 8 years, with 2 sons 1 is 6, the other is 18 months. To the outside world, they looked like the happy couple leading the happy life. And then one day, the father of the man got terminally ill. And the man dedicated himself to him for 3 months, until eventually he passed away. During that time, the woman was arguing with him all the time that he is neglecting her and the children. And one day, she took the LO (18 months) while the older one was at school, and she flew to another country. Calling only when she arrived to inform her husband that she left him with the LO. The elder boy was devastated: His mum left him. She chose to take his brother along. And as he said: 'I was not good enough for her to take me....' Ultimately, she sent the LO back home to his father with a friend!!!!!! Everyone, including her parents who cut her off after all this, is devastated. The elder boy is marked for life. This is extreme. But I don't know, I cannot judge her. I don't know what she was going through. Maybe she was mentally unstable. Maybe as others said, leaving was actually better for her kids. If you are not performing anymore at your job, you resign or you get fired. What if a woman cannot perform anymore in her role as a mother? Is it better to stay and maybe hurt herself and the children in the way? or is it better for her to leave and give herself and her family more chances to be happy. I have heard of so many stories where the mum takes her life and the life of her children in a huge moment of despair. What if the lady I know, had come to this if she hadn't left. I know that one should never say never. But, my present feelings are that I would never leave my kids. I adore them, and literally, when I don't see them for a couple of weeks (work requirements), I have difficulty sleeping or even breathing. The day my daughter was born was like an illumination, as I knew directly, the very reason of my existence is to be a mum to her (and now to her sisters), and my sole objective in life is to provide them a good life and raise them to be good people.

My Mum left us .. I was a babe in arms and had 2 older sisters 4 and 5 .. When I was 15 I was told that my mum was infact my stepmother and I had another mum who wanted to get intouch ... We all met my real mother at the same time - completely overwhelming my birth mother and her new husband(they have been married for 30 years to date)... We arrived into their home and to this date we have never left .. My personal anger towards my birth mother lasted for years .. until at least I was 28 .. I am now 38..I could see her with my niece and I had the most amazing feelings of anger and resentment for a life we missed with her (our stepmother was a wicked, cruel woman .. I can honestly say now that I would have left her to burn in her own hatred-"A child called it" life story has NOTHING on our step mother). Our step mother arranged the meeting with our birth mother and when we got back she declared that if we stayed intouch with THAT woman we would never see our father or our brothers again.. and she stood by it ... give her her dues .... We found out why our birth mother had left us -She used to get beaten .. stood on .. used as a punch bag by our father and she couldnt take any more. We found out that we had been placed in Care because our father worked in the oil industry and couldn't take care of us- we were moved around the family in the UK eventually settling with our fathers mother who was a saint ..until she had a series of strokes and it became a huge struggle for her.. when she died I thought my heart was going to explode and shatter to a thousand fragments ..our father never even came to his own mothers funeral. I still get upset to this day . He then married our step mother .. who was 17 and aquired 3 children under the age of 7 .. whom she detested .. we were satans children and whores apparantly .. we were children .. this went on until we all left the home .. My Birth mother has stood by everything we have done with our lifes since being in her company.. and the three of us have made some serious c*ck ups ... seriously .. Our father ...... we have not spoken to to this day .. Not without us trying to find him ... he is still in the oil industry .. based in Quatar ...We met up with our half brother over 4 years ago .. and had an emotional reunion with them and sort of stayed in touch .. Now one day my father will die .. and he will never face up to the fact that he drove my mother away and it was his actions that put us all in the life we led. I love my father and feel sorry for him at the same time he is a weak man. My real mum - I can understand now why she left us .. does it upset me .. everyday ... But I love her dearly and she is my mum.. Would I ever leave my children ..( I don't have children ) ... Never .. never ... never I can understand why your birth Mum left the marriage. Violence is never acceptable. I just don't understand how she can justify saving herself from the violence yet leave you and your siblings to be raised by her abuser? Our dad never ever touched us whilst my mum was around .. or so she says .. When she left and he remarried - our step mother would badger him whan he was home on shore leave and tell him how bad we were whilst he was away. He picked me up once and threw me across the room into the Hi Fi system .. I was six .. I needed four stitches ...the scars on the outside you can hide with make up ... the ones on the inside... they are just not visible.

I pray i am never in a position where i have to leave my DS. the same goes for giving him to my mom or someone else to raise. i cant understand why or how any mother could do that, but i have learnt that no situation is black and white and should never judge. so i pray daily never to be put in that position.

No. Even though I feel like strangling them sometimes. I can never leave them! :)

I am still very much struggling with the idea of it being 'okay' for a Mum to leave her children with a Father who is a bully or violent? How can someone be considered a 'good Father' when he bullies his own wife and Mother of the children? Sometimes a woman has no option - their partner will not let them take the children whilst his treatment of her makes it impossible for the woman to stay - its either find the strength to leave without the children or complete the slide to a mental breakdown or worse suicide.

I've just read the piece now. One of her children has Down's. She sent recommendations for au pairs to care for them when her husband was out of town flying - which, I'd imagine, would be quite frequently as an airline pilot. How she can attempt to justify her actions is beyond me. Because she can't face the truth; she failed as a mother?

I've just read the piece now. One of her children has Down's. She sent recommendations for au pairs to care for them when her husband was out of town flying - which, I'd imagine, would be quite frequently as an airline pilot. How she can attempt to justify her actions is beyond me.

my fav quote from her article "sacrifice sucks"... ha! she should just get it printed on her shirt and p1ss off.. selfish cow. Yes it's very "ME" orinentated. Agree. This woman is not asking, she is practically demanding the reader to automatically let her off the hook because, of course, its clear what a super-mum she REALLY is but that construction on the driveway was seriously the last straw.

I would like to be able to say 'never' as I hope my husband and I live a long and happy life together. And even if we were to divorce for any reason whilst our LO is still little I would hope custody could be an amicable 50/50. However, if for example he met someone else (and as long as that new person was a good person who would treat my LO as their own) and wanted to move away to another country I would not stop him taking our LO. He is a fabulous father, a much better father than I am a mother and I know in my heart of hearts that she would have a much better life with him than me being selfish and trying to keep her with me (which he would not contest as he is such a good man). I would hope that I would still be in her life and that she would come to me for holidays etc, but am I still walking away from her by not fighting to have her live full time with me? Am I a bad, selfish Mum? Maybe she would think so, I don't know, I would hope she would understand. It would break my heart not to be around her every day, but it would be the best thing for her. Sadly life isn't black and white and Mum isn't always the best option...

As an individual and a mother how can you say never say never when speaking about yourself? How can you even consider it may be a future option? If I'm reading you correctly, I think I agree with you entirely. I can say NEVER because I just cannot foresee anything bad enough that would make me leave my children. I cannot, will not, even entertain any train of thought that ends with me having to leave them. In saying that, I can also honestly say that I don't judge any woman who feels backed into a corner and 'has to' leave for her or her children's safety. My father was an amazing Dad and to this day, many years after his death, I miss him. But, he was a sh*t of a husband. It's taken me over 20 years to understand what he did to my mother and her self-esteem and that he successfully and selfishly made her believe that she had no choice...to leave him and his bullying ways, she had to leave my sister and me. I'm glad she left because she was so miserable in their marriage that I hated her for taking it out on me. Of course, at the time I just thought she was a b*tch who hated me. We now have a steadily growing, healthy relationship. I'm no longer so black and white on mothers and children. For some, leaving is the only option. I can say right now that I will never leave mine.

I would like to say never. I would never put my feelings for a man before my children (be it a husband or someone else like some of the women mentioned on here). I would have to be mentally ill to walk out on my kids.

Thanks. She does see a therapist but it has affected so many facets of her life I doubt she'll ever be settled.

A close friend of mine was left by her mum when she was nine and her brother seven. Her mum had moved countries with my friend's dad, and then left him - and her children - to move home for a man she was with back in her home country before she was married. After a couple of years my friend came to live with her mum but didn't get on with her new husband so went back home to live with her dad. She's the same age as me and is utterly screwed up now. She's a hypochondriac, has serious abandonment issues and is totally insecure. I am good friends with her mum now but I will never, ever understand how she could have left her children for a man. How terribly sad to have to go through life carrying this sort of pain. I hope your friend finds peace and happiness.

A close friend of mine was left by her mum when she was nine and her brother seven. Her mum had moved countries with my friend's dad, and then left him - and her children - to move home for a man she was with back in her home country before she was married. After a couple of years my friend came to live with her mum but didn't get on with her new husband so went back home to live with her dad. She's the same age as me and is utterly screwed up now. She's a hypochondriac, has serious abandonment issues and is totally insecure. I am good friends with her mum now but I will never, ever understand how she could have left her children for a man.

My Mum left us .. I was a babe in arms and had 2 older sisters 4 and 5 .. When I was 15 I was told that my mum was infact my stepmother and I had another mum who wanted to get intouch ... We all met my real mother at the same time - completely overwhelming my birth mother and her new husband(they have been married for 30 years to date)... We arrived into their home and to this date we have never left .. My personal anger towards my birth mother lasted for years .. until at least I was 28 .. I am now 38..I could see her with my niece and I had the most amazing feelings of anger and resentment for a life we missed with her (our stepmother was a wicked, cruel woman .. I can honestly say now that I would have left her to burn in her own hatred-"A child called it" life story has NOTHING on our step mother). Our step mother arranged the meeting with our birth mother and when we got back she declared that if we stayed intouch with THAT woman we would never see our father or our brothers again.. and she stood by it ... give her her dues .... We found out why our birth mother had left us -She used to get beaten .. stood on .. used as a punch bag by our father and she couldnt take any more. We found out that we had been placed in Care because our father worked in the oil industry and couldn't take care of us- we were moved around the family in the UK eventually settling with our fathers mother who was a saint ..until she had a series of strokes and it became a huge struggle for her.. when she died I thought my heart was going to explode and shatter to a thousand fragments ..our father never even came to his own mothers funeral. I still get upset to this day . He then married our step mother .. who was 17 and aquired 3 children under the age of 7 .. whom she detested .. we were satans children and whores apparantly .. we were children .. this went on until we all left the home .. My Birth mother has stood by everything we have done with our lifes since being in her company.. and the three of us have made some serious c*ck ups ... seriously .. Our father ...... we have not spoken to to this day .. Not without us trying to find him ... he is still in the oil industry .. based in Quatar ...We met up with our half brother over 4 years ago .. and had an emotional reunion with them and sort of stayed in touch .. Now one day my father will die .. and he will never face up to the fact that he drove my mother away and it was his actions that put us all in the life we led. I love my father and feel sorry for him at the same time he is a weak man. My real mum - I can understand now why she left us .. does it upset me .. everyday ... But I love her dearly and she is my mum.. Would I ever leave my children ..( I don't have children ) ... Never .. never ... never I can understand why your birth Mum left the marriage. Violence is never acceptable. I just don't understand how she can justify saving herself from the violence yet leave you and your siblings to be raised by her abuser?

IF it was better for my children and if they totally understood, then yes, I could. I doubt I would want to, and it would be devastating. They are my priority so it is all about them, not me. If I was this lady I think I may have hopped overseas and started a new life for myself and the kids to avoid his abusive input. But, I am not her.

NO

Guinness this is from a recent documentary about children raised in the UK with so many issues, they have an attitude that the world owes them a living. This clip is from the American Alvin Hall in his first lesson with them. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLQ7dSjSt6s This one is from the English Historian David Starkey. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z1AH_lKDQF8&feature=related I should add the reason i have posted the clips is to show that both these highly successful Yale and Cambridge graduates worked hard to bring themselves out fo extreme proverty. David Starkey overcame Polo as a child and club feet as well. They both speak about their parents and childhood poverty. It's interesting viewing and incomprehensible for todays generation of brats and questionably parents? edited by Sticky Wicket on 14/03/2011 <em>edited by Sticky Wicket on 14/03/2011</em>

My MiL is one of those women who make me feel ashamed of the whining and carrying on that our generation of women seem to have perfected. 5 kids, an absent husband (skeddalded following his dream after he's lost the family farm and any money with it) and the sacrifices she made are amazing. She is utterly crippled with arthritis from working in a laundry for 20 years to raise her kids, and even then in poverty. She is pure old school, and how she did I don't know. Because she did and there was no "hand out" society or media telling her to put herself first, wear this, wear that, do this do that. That is how it was and it needs to return, we are producing (in the UK) generations of takers who want more and more rather than being grounded. Now wait just a minute. I don't think you can blame the media for the choices women make today. There are structural differences in the economy and the society that make it difficult for a a woman these days. Aroha doesn't mention where her MIL did the raising of these five kids, but I can tell you it would be impossible in the US. For one thing, working in a laundry would not pay enough for her to pay for childcare. But if she left them alone, she would get in trouble with the child welfare laws. Guiness i mentioned UK as that is the model i am basing my opinion on, modern media & the abuse of the welfare state under a people pleaser goverment.

the only circumstance where a mother should abandon her child (or a father for that matter) would be where they are mentally incapable of supporting them or are a potential source of harm to the children (eg, they are abusive, insane etc). there, that's off my chest... this article really riled me.. hmmm, me too. did you read the link in the article to the other one? OMG, just did... it makes her sound less selfish than her actual reply... She spends a lot of energy justifying herself, perhaps she should use it looking at herself...

I think that if you really love your children it will never be a job like she made it out to be, I love my little girl and will walk over mountains for her. Also I think a real mother will fight with everything she has for her children no matter what the circumstances are. I think everyone has their own opinion this is just what I think a mother that loves her children unconditionally will do <em>edited by jessica_dt on 14/03/2011</em>

How about the other side of the coin, parents who divorce and mothers who are pretty much unfit and who insist on full custody just to spite the fathers - is that worse than leaving your children? for mother there are no circumstances she can leave her child, even if she is in poverty. Money cannot replace love and care, Izzy. Umm - wasn't talking about money or poverty. So you are saying that all women are better at bringing up children than men? Sorry but that is nonsense. Some women are unfit to be mothers, do not deserve the children they have and only want custody of their children in order to secure payments from the fathers and / or to spite their exes..... sorry but just cos you pushed doesn't mean you are a mother. Of cause Men can bring child up even better than some of women can do. Sorry, I was reading "unfit" as a financial unstable or lack of experience.

I don't think we should just any woman without knowing the full story. Too those who's moms just left them one day for no reason, there is nothing to say but sorry. For those that left their children so that their children could have a better life then its sorry that you missed out on your child growing up but to find the strength to make such a choice instead of putting your children at risk takes courage. Some woman rather leave then put their children in jeopardy, for those women we can't put blame on them. Those are the women who usually think about those children day in and day out. For those women who walk away without looking back..... that is something I could never understand and is heartless. Would I be able to leave my own kids.... the thought would never cross my mind. No matter how stressed out I get or tired, they are my responsibility. If I ever thought I would leave my kids then I shouldn't have had them in the first place.

My MiL is one of those women who make me feel ashamed of the whining and carrying on that our generation of women seem to have perfected. 5 kids, an absent husband (skeddalded following his dream after he's lost the family farm and any money with it) and the sacrifices she made are amazing. She is utterly crippled with arthritis from working in a laundry for 20 years to raise her kids, and even then in poverty. She is pure old school, and how she did I don't know. Because she did and there was no "hand out" society or media telling her to put herself first, wear this, wear that, do this do that. That is how it was and it needs to return, we are producing (in the UK) generations of takers who want more and more rather than being grounded. Now wait just a minute. I don't think you can blame the media for the choices women make today. There are structural differences in the economy and the society that make it difficult for a a woman these days. Aroha doesn't mention where her MIL did the raising of these five kids, but I can tell you it would be impossible in the US. For one thing, working in a laundry would not pay enough for her to pay for childcare. But if she left them alone, she would get in trouble with the child welfare laws.

Agree MB, does the woman want an Oscar? The fact she bothered to list it is indicative of her selfishness.