when will it be easier?

And thank you lovely ladies for your sincere and kind words. Even if it is a forum, with a cart full of anonymous strangers, the solemn words bring a deep comfort that I have desperately needed.

Reading through all the responses to my original post makes me feel so much more 'normal' and a bit less alone. I'm truly,truly sorry for all the terrible losses that you have all experienced but I feel strangely reassured that I don't have to be 'better' yet and things will take time to heal. I've been thinking about my friends and perhaps I'm guilty of not opening up enough. I'm always the strong one in the family and I'm sure people think I can cope with anything. I guess what I can't forgive is that while Mom was sick nobody even sent a single text to ask how she/I was - for 4 months when they knew she was ill. (Not to mention all the months since) I know people find it hard to talk about these things but a quick message is surely manageable if they can't handle face to face? I've come to realise (painfully) that these people were never really my friends and it's time to find new ones. 2010 was a year of very hard lessons for me. GGP - perhaps we should meet?! Thank you all for sharing your experiences and advice - I hope it wasn't too painful you. I actually found writing mine down surprisingly therapeutic. Much love to you all xxxx VJDubai, I would love to meet! I'm actually looking forward to the move.

Ladies, without a story to tell, I have cried myself through all your posts - sending all hugs, loving thoughts and much sympathy, and wishing that your heavy hearts will become easier! Agreed 100%. I hope you all find some peace in these posts, some comfort knowing that others completely understand how you feel, and some reassurance that what you are feeling is completely normal.

Ladies, without a story to tell, I have cried myself through all your posts - sending all hugs, loving thoughts and much sympathy, and wishing that your heavy hearts will become easier!

Reading through all your posts has made me feel very humble. So many sad, sad stories and tales of loneliness and feelings of isolation. I won't claim to know how you feel, but hope that by sharing you can feel love from others that do. xxxxxx

*hugs* to all. Losing a parent, sibling or child is extrodinarily difficult to deal with, it breaks my heart hearing others struggling through this situations, as obviously, you only have some idea of the experience when you have been through it yourself, and you wouldn't wish that on anyone. I lost my father a few years ago, very suddenly, and in what I personally found to be horrendous circumstances. It is a gut wrenching, all consuming situation to go through. I will be honest, it took a LONG time for me to begin to reconcile what had happened, and how I would move on from it. You can't put a timeframe on it, because everyone circumstance is so, so different. I also had friends that were extremely insensitive, given I was quite 'young', none of my friends had experienced this loss, and perhaps they didn't know what to say about the circumstances surrounding it also. People really do find death to be such a difficult thing to deal with, so most tend to ignore it, gloss over it, or go over the top and say incredibly insensitve/inappropriate things. Did you say anything to your friends that you are struggling, or have you just kept quiet? I personally, just kept quiet, so can't really blame them for ignoring the situation. If you did reach out, and they ignored you, you definitely have reason to be upset with your friends. If you didn't and they simply don't understand the gravity of this kind of loss, perhaps you could speak with them, and say you are really struggling coming to terms with it. I know it seems completely wrong to us that you have to ask for help in these situations, but sometimes people sincerely do not realise how hard you are finding it, if you don't say anything, particularly if they haven't experienced something similar in their lifetime, they have no idea sometimes what you go through. I personally stopped speaking with my bestfriend for 3 years post my fathers death, given her behaviour (or lack of thought towards me) after his death. My only advice is to try and make time to deal with it (at some stage in the near future) rather than keeping busy and bottling it up. I had a bit of breakdown on holiday with some friends about 2 years after the fact, and my they were shocked, and I was embarassed (not that I should have been) that it was only coming out then... and I was only then realising the gravity of his loss in my life. Anyway, my thoughts go out to everyone, to answer your overriding question, yes it does get easier, but as I said, everyone is different and circumstances are different, so the timeframes around the grieving period are different. Take care all. xxx

ladies have been feeling so low the last few days and so inevitably start missing my dad like mad - he died 8 years ago very suddenly. as the eldest i did mouth to mouth to try to get him back in vain - the rest of my family just stood and watched. so feel the pain of a lost parent. as for the pain - it gets easier to deal with through time and also having someone to talk through the good memories with - remember it wil be hard to look at pics and smell the scent they used to wear at the beginning. Slowly the pics will be a positive thing bringing smiles - yes - smiles as you recall the happiness they brought to your life. inevitably it will sometimes end in tears of just plain missing your parent and you being the child as you can remember - there is nothing wrong with that. some cultures say it is wrong to cry too much or you should just get on with your life when all you want to tdo is cry and forget about your life as it is - kinda true - but tears help us to heal and move forward and our lives make us busy and so we spend less reliving the feelings of loss and sorrow,so wen we do take a break to think of the one we have lost, eventually the good things about them wil cometo the surface faster than the feelings of grief over them not being there. hope i havent rambled myself into a mess. hope that helps you out a little bit vjdubai. as for younger siblings - ur sis is doing wll going for therapy and ur bro ah well - boys will be boys - good luck with dealing with that - if u nd to talk ur welcome to email as kinda understand what situation you are going thro - maj k daz at hot mail dot com as for friends - soem people just dont know how to deal with death and the subsequent effects - signs of immaturity or just not being able to empathise. some are also worried they may sound silly so just stay away - have you tried calling a special/close friend and saying you just want to talk??? maybe they will surprie you and actually just listen and be there for you. big cyber hug and happy thoughts sent to you - as a muslim i can only say i believe that those who die leave behind the fickleness of this world to go to a place of peace Inshallah.

Hi Ladies I lost my mother to cancer when I had just graduated from Univeristy and was taking some professional exams. She got cancer at the age of 42 and 18 months later passed away. I have an older sibling who has cerebal pasly who I cared for since then so GGP, I can relate somewhat to you (looking after a sibling) and to all others who have lost a parent. And as one of the posters said you can never understand the pain until you have been through it. More than a decade has passed and I still find it very difficult to talk about my mum without feeling that loss and heart ache, that i no longer have her with me. I am a muslim and thankGod for me I found my faith just before my mum became ill. As part of my belief, I believe that certain things are fate/ destiny such as the day you will pass away..and that gave me the coping mechanism...that time was wriiten for my mum to return to her creator just as mine is...when ??only God knows !!!.

Vj - I'm so sorry about your mum. I can't imagine what you're feeling and unfortunately can offer no advice about whether it'll get any easier or not. Regarding your friends, I'm playing the devil's advocate here, but are you sure they knew you needed their help. I know that true friends should anticipate your needs but sometimes we might be giving a feeling that we're fine, even if we are not, and people might not pick up on our needs. I know I do this - everyone thinks I'm strong because I never ask for help but deep inside I'm craving for it.

Ladies I'm so sorry to hear of the passing of your loved ones. I lost my father 12 years ago, he was only 53. Not a single day goes by where I dont think of him and miss him. Especially when I look at my son, who would have been his first grandson (after having only grandaughters). The pain will never ever go away, but I can tell you that it does get easier. As for your friends, I know it's hurting, but you really are much better off being rid of them and trying to make new friends...there are some lovely, real friends out there who can make those tough days just that little better with a call a laugh of even just a smile and being an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. GGP I can only imagine what it must be like to lose both your parents and have your whole world turned upside down. Well done for being so strong. I think a support group is a wonderful idea ladies. Think of you all.

Vj, i so feel for you, i can't tell you how much. my mum was killed 5 years ago and a) i still can't believe she's gone and b) miss her like yesterday. they say that time heals - i think it just helps you to cope better/more. i think of my mum everyday - and i have so many wonderful memories - its like she's still 'here' with me. not in any kind of morbid or weird way, just that she is so absolutley part of me - whether she's 'physically' here or not, she's here - if that makes sense? all i can say is, be kind to yourself, be gentle. i'm so sorry for your loss, and your struggle. hang in there. I lost my mum very suddenly 11 years ago when she was just 58. She choked to death whilst sitting up in a hospital bed, eating her lunch. I was 40. What Rhubarb has said is also how it is for me. Regarding your friends - your mum passed away when she was young so there is a very good chance you and your friends are also young. Perhaps young enough for them to just not know what it is they're supposed to be doing and saying. I'm not making excuses for them - I'm just trying to put forward a reason for their behaviour thats hurting you so much. Also if you're the eldest child in the family or you're perhaps seen as a coper, someone who manages, a strong person - that might be why family are letting you down at this very sad time. None of its fair and none of its right and I'm sorry if this is whats happening. xxxxxxx

Vj, i feel your pain, i havent lost a parent but lost my only brother 40 days back. It was very unexpected, he was young and had no prior illness. I have been thinking about how it gets better but the someone said to me recently, perhaps there is no ‘getting better’ and only ‘getting used to’. It’s a harsh truth, but how do one ‘get used’ to their loved away being dead.

BlueCamel, your posting hit my like a thunderbolt. I have been hesitating for weeks whether or not to post something offering to set up a bereaved parents informal network. There is a group here helping parents deal with stillbirth (their name escapes me just now) but nothing for parents who have lost older children. DO you think we could get in touch, privately and discuss this? PS So sorry to have gone off a tangent on the matter of your posting ladies. I do offer you however my most sincere condoleances and I'll take this opportunity to share this quote with out (it has helped me so much): Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy."

Girls, I am really sorry to hear about your losses. I lost my baby months back and am wondering if there is a demand for a grief support group in Dubai. There might be for stillbirth/infant loss but maybe there would be interest in something broader? Just an informal setting where we can all let our hair down and not pretend. I don't feel I have the energy at the moment to se this up but if anyone else has I think I have a lovely venue as well as a potential facilitator for the first few meetings. Love and light to you all. BC

vjdubai, just reading your post made me cry for my mom. My mom also passed away at the age of 55 unexpectedly shortly after I turned 13! We may all cope with the loss of our loved ones differently, and no one can really understand the extend of the pain you feel within but for those of us who had experienced it (and some who hadn't) can sympathize with your loss. When will it get easier? The pain will lessen with time, but that huge hole will always be there. To me, the passing of time meant that I can better control the welling of tears in my eyes more than yesteryear. The difference between you and me is that you probably have a lot more happy memories that you shared with your mom, so try to think of those when the sadness hits you. I had to grow up fast and tried to be emotionally independent, but not a day go by that I don't wonder what my life would be like if she had lived. How I miss her! GGP, I am so very sorry to hear of the loss of both your parents. On top of that, you also have to take responsibilities of your younger siblings which doesn't leave much room for you to grieve on your own as you need to be strong for everyone. I hope they will cope better and that you will be able to deal with your own grief. Take good care of yourself!

vjdubai - sorry for your loss i fully sympathize with you. I lost my mother 5 years ago and not many days go by when I do not think of her and miss her but now without the pain I first felt. The pain does get easier but it takes time. For the first two years I could not think of my mother without getting tearful. Now I can - although I still get tearful at times. As for your friends- some people just cannot deal with the pain of others loss and grief. I think for some it scares them as it makes them consider the fact that they too, will one day be feeling the pain and grief you are going through. Others do not realise how long it takes to come to terms with such loss; they expect you to be " better" after a month or two. I think the world is divided into two - those who have lost a parent and those that have not. Of course there are those who can empathize and support you even if they have not been through it. I had friends in both camps- I went to the ones who understood and sympathized when I needed it. You may also find that people are scared to bring the subject up in case it upsets you. Why not try opening up to them - they may just be waiitng to take their cue from you. If not then there is a grief counsellor who has been recommended on many other threads - she works out of Dr Keith Nichols Clinic on Beach rd. If you do not have friends willing to listen then maybe try her as talking things out is a good way to release the pain. I hope you find a sympathetic ear soon. GGP - I am so sorry for you loss also - how terrible I hope you too find a sympathetic ear and some support as unresolved grief can be an awful thing as it never goes away; it sounds as if you are too busy taking care of everyone to even start to come to terms with your own grief. Look after your own needs as well.

vjdubai, I could have written your post. A few years ago I lost my mum after I gave birth to my first child. I had no choice but staying strong for my son...at that time I also had bad surprises regarding friendship ! it's been almost 7 years now and I still cannot believe she is dead. I miss her so much...

vjdubai- I am very sorry to hear of your loss. It is really difficult and my heart goes out to you. My Dad died at 49 when I was 17.. . I am now 39 and still miss him. Time definitely helps ease the pain but there will always be a hole there but it will hurt less as time passes. As for your friends, I do not understand and I am disappointed for you. I seem to find myself in a similar situation and so can sympathise. Try concentrating on your DH, LO and making new friends. Take care.

vjdubai, I lost both my parents in a car accident in May. I then became guardian to my three younger sibling (while having a lo+husband of my own) and I can honestly say it hasn't gotten better. My friends--what ever friendships I had made in London, no one really cared much. They just backed off and txt me to see if I wana go party yet. (Which I can't because Now I have to watch over my younger sisters and keep a watchful eye on my very emotional younger brother who thinks he's found his soul mate. (consequently, he thinks we need to sell our parents house to divide up the money from the proceeds so he can get married--he's 22 and totally incompetent!) One of my sisters is doing quite well, going to Uni and making friends. Other sister is withdrawn and going to therapy, she generally has to be with DS to go out and hyperventilates over the idea of long car trips...and I'm just trying to keep it all together. It sucks, and I know how you feel. As much grief as my siblings are in, I feel like someone really should ask me if I'm doing okay...but of course no one does because I don't really have the choice, do I? I want to sit down, and tell someone how much I need my life back, but I'm pretty sure if it was up to everyone else in my family, no one would have chosen this outcome either. I'm sorry for your loss and I hope you find a good kind friend to help support you and help you find comfort. And if you wana make friends with me, I'd be more than happy to have a companion to walk through this. xx

So sorry for your loss. My dad died when I was 18 and my mum died when I was 23 and not a day goes past I don't stop and think of them. Time is a great healer but it does take time. I even find when in other peoples company and they talk about their parents and grandparents I make excuses to leave asap. My daughter was 18 months old when my mum died and I feel my daughter has missed out on two wonderful grandparents. I believe until you lose a parent no one really understands.

vjdubai - I am very very sorry for your loss... I can't say that I understand how you feel, because I have not lost a parent. But my mother is the same age as your mother and I know that it would turn my world upside down if something were to happen to her. What I want to say is..be easy on yourself. You have been very brave and strong for your mum and your daughter and your family and that is something that is great. I'm sorry you feel that your friends were not there for you..I am not sure what their reasons are. But I do think that many people do not know how to act in such situations...they may feel that they do not want to 'bother' you or that they should give you time to recover. I am not giving anyone excuses, as clearly you do need friends to stand by you particularly in this tough place you find yourself in...I am just saying that perhaps they foolishly thought that this may have been what you wanted - some space to recover. In any case, time heals everything...my heart is with you and I am sure you will be ok soon..knowing that your mum wants you to be happy and well. Big hug.

Vj, i so feel for you, i can't tell you how much. my mum was killed 5 years ago and a) i still can't believe she's gone and b) miss her like yesterday. they say that time heals - i think it just helps you to cope better/more. i think of my mum everyday - and i have so many wonderful memories - its like she's still 'here' with me. not in any kind of morbid or weird way, just that she is so absolutley part of me - whether she's 'physically' here or not, she's here - if that makes sense? all i can say is, be kind to yourself, be gentle. i'm so sorry for your loss, and your struggle. hang in there.