Middle Eastern Logic

BB, I really feel for you but I have to ask you would he accept you back if you had done the same ? it is a question that would be worth asking if he returns. ME pride will never let a man as the woman to take him back, IMHO some of the men would never dream of it, they would think it was their right just to return and for everything to be as normal. Its a hard decision and one that only you can make, I took my DH back after him leaving me, if anything it has increased the bond that he broke, there are still some trust issues but slowely they are working themselves out. Hugs

Now it seems according to his family that Dad wants to return home, but is too proud to admit his evil ways and are pressuring me to ask him to come home. I have lived in the Middle East for 30 years but can not for the life of me understand why the victim should pursue the perpetrator? Can anyone shed some light on this logic? I have no doubt that you have no intention of letting him back in. I think you sound incredibly strong and the fact that you recognise the fact "can not for the life of me understand why the victim should pursue the perpetrator?" suggests that you consciously recognise the flawed logic in his approach. I would say that his logic is based on power. I am assuming that he has felt the balance of power in his favour for a long, long time. Now, he thinks that if you ask him to come home that he is again in control. That's all I think this is about. He is about to feel his world turning and don’t be surprised if things get really dirty now... The man will be desperate and desperate people do desperate things... Keep being strong and proud of yourself. ;) <em>edited by Kid Vs Kat on 13/01/2011</em>

I agree completely with drose. It's nothing to do with middle eastern logic. This is all about saving face - his and his families and it happens the world over. It is your decision and none of us can tell you what to do it's what you feel in your heart but please understand that you are the most important person and you need to keep strong and healthy. Having him back might get you back into that awful place again. Thinking of you - I dont envy your decisions but we will help you all we can with support based on all our own experiences on here. Hold your head up high, take a deep breath and be that beautiful woman that you are - thinking of you xx

BB I dont think this is anything to do with logic thats unique to this part of the world. It seems to be me its the way it was also played out when I was growing up and we were living the high life with my birth father. So perhaps its a generation thing more than a cultural thing Whether you have your husband back is entirely up to you but the fact he won't take responsibility for his actions really doesnt bode well for the future. Nor does his 'maybe' mental health and personality problems that are more than likely never going to go away - if the really do exist. So thats perhaps what you should ask yourself - am I prepared to go through life with a husband who's 'maybe' mental health issues/personality problems can contribute towards him causing me the turmoil and heartbreak they do? Do I have it in me any longer to be this mans carer as well as my own when he's going through a period of being unwell? Do I have it in me to turn a blind eye to many things that will almost for certainly happen again in the future, and they will - the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. Is my husband really not a very well person or is it just a convenient label thats been attached to him for the sake of explaining away the choices he makes? As for your husbands family - of course they want you to take him back because whilst he's your problem he's not theirs. Your son was really great to stand up to the mark the way he did but he's only a young lad and not really equipped to be dealing with these kind of grown up things to any great extent. Just be careful he's not slipping into the role of the man of the house and advising on things that aren't his to advise on - for this simple reason. If you want to have your husband back, or meet up with him someplace to talk things over - it really isn't for your son to be saying no to. Yes he can look after his mum, but as the child in the relationship, because ultimately any choices you make are yours to make and no-one elses. <em>edited by DesertRose1958 on 12/01/2011</em>

BB, i think you really love your husband and on a certain level feel responsible for him and can forgive him almost anything - it's almost like the love of a mother for a child but try to do what's best for you and not for him. You seem to be doing so well without him and in all honesty don't need him for anything (It must be amazint to realise that!) -he doesn't support you financially or emotionally and has instead been a drain on your emotional resources. It is all about saving face and the family is trying to blackmail you emotionally. My dh's family always try to sweep everything under the carpet so that things look normal to the world and this is part of why the family wants you to take him back so that everything looks fine and rosy to all the relatives and friends back in Egypt. You've done so well and made so much progress that it would be a shame to go back to the old situation. It did not work before and it's not going to work in the future. If you take him back in all honesty you are setting yourself up for more heartache in the future and you deserve better than that.

BB sending you lots of hugs and support. Trust your GUT instinct. I bet it's there telling you something whilst all these other pressures are going on around you from his family.

LT is right. BB, enjoy your life. Invite gf's over and have a good time. Let your friends in, and live your life. Save the money that you would normally lose to him or his family and travel the world. Take your kids to exotic places. Sleep well and look forwards, not backwards.

BB, am I right in thinking that you once said you were a major financial support to him and his family? I would have thought there would be your answer........not ME logic, just unwillingness to lose a cashcow. Don't allow yourself to be used, and start thinking about yourself and your life. Take care.

Any man that still needs mummy and daddy to do his battles for him needs to be given a wide berth IMO. You know this man best but I'm afraid that once a cheat always a cheat. Stay happy with your family and move on.

I don’t see any logic behind this. What your in laws are asking you to do makes no sense at all. I to be honest I don’t think that it has anything to do with being Middle Eastern. As others have said too, you should follow your heart. Personally I don’t think I could ever forgive my man if he cheated on me. But again, I'm not married and have no experience in this area. I know plenty of women who have forgiven their cheating husbands. But I don’t think anyone them have asked their husband to return home. You story might be a sad one, but you seem like a very strong woman and I'm sure you will make the right decision. Best of luck

No woman wants a man that is not willing to fight to try and keep you. He sounds like he has lost a fabulous woman in you, BB.

I say listen to YOUR family, which is you, your son and daughter. You had some time to think over what had happened and you came to terms as to what you had to do, which was to move forward, so do just that. You can either continue to change your life or, more than likely, go back to the life you had with him. If you did as they asked there will be moments when he will remind you that you were the one who asked that he return to the home. He will also tell you that he did it for his family. BB, if he had any pride it is very misplaced!!! You asking him to return to the marriage is as if you were admitting to having done something wrong, which you know you did not. You said that he stepped outside the marriage several times. I'm sure you know the saying: you can't change the way a dog wags its tail. You mentioned that you were pretty much the source of support for his family, so they have an interest in you taking him back as well. This is one time when you need to think with your head, not your heart. Hugs to you.

BB, if you do not respect yourself, you cannot expect others to. Amen to that! Love yourself! You’ve read that book and know exactly what happened next…. Hugs...

BB, if you do not respect yourself, you cannot expect others to.

BB, don't do it unless he is truly remoreseful and begs your forgiveness and for you to take him back. It doesn't matter what culture he's from what he did was so wrong and he can't just waltz back into your life and expect you to ask him back. While it's fine for his family to ask you to forgive him and give him a second chance, this should be coming from him. And only take him back if you WANT to, not because of pressure from anyone else. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

BB Do you miss his warm embrace at night? Is he the man who can make all things alright? Is he the man you can rely on? Can you live without him? Are you afraid that if you do not take this opportunity to ask him back, that he may move on permanently? Please ask yourself these questions. You are strong with 2 strong kids. Forget the family and what they want. Forget his needs.. This is about what you WANT and NEED. Not what you should do. Do what you have to do, for you. Good luck. I somehow feel you will find more compassion and understanding on this board than you will ever get from this man. It is your life and your call.

It may well be about saving face, or not. Personally I don't care. He behaved as less than a man in what he did to you and your family BB, and is behaving as less than a man now. He wants to come home and he's letting his aunties do the pleading? baby. Heres the sound of the worlds smallest violin just for you mate. Ultimately, this is about what you want BB....do you want him back? Do you think you could take him back? You take all the time you need sweetie to think about that and then do what is right for you and your kids.

i would also agree it's the saving face thing.... but what do you want? Do you want him to come home? If so, then ask him - you both know the truth so does it really matter who asks who? in the grand scheme of things, if you think that he has or is capable of changing into the husband you deserve and will make you happy in the future, does it matter that you ask him? But if you think you will be happy without him, tell him to go to h3ll..... Hugs

Big Bertha, I just read about what your husband did to you in another thread of yours... I am so sorry to hear what happened to you. Yes, it is about not wanting to lose face. He does not want to look like the weak one. But how much more pathetic of man could he be to not reach out to you on his own and beg for forgiveness.... and that is funny how it is still so soon since he did this to you that his family wants you to make the move to try to take him back. The decision of course is ultimately yours, but if you do decide to take him back... it would be in your best interest to place some very VERRRY difficult conditions on him that he would have to fulfill before. Though I very much believe he wants to weasel his way back to you but after a short time of behaving himself, his old habits will come back out and he will be on the prowl again. Listen to you son... he knows his father won't change and doesn't want to see him betraying you any longer. ************************* ************************* [quote'>shaf replied : I really dont know your story, but what struck me from your post was if it was you did the unfaithfulness bit and went of too egypt or anywhere else and then decided u wanted to come back, would he take you back?? also, would his family accept you back so readily if it was you? <em>edited by Abaddon on 11/01/2011</em>

Big Birtha - I personally think they are probably fed up with him as well and want to get rid of him. There is absolutely no reason for you to be in any hurry to make this decision or even entertain the idea of making a decision. Do what's best for you. Tell him that maybe in a couple of years you'll think about it, and that right now you are in your "angry" stage after the shock. Good luck to you!

I really dont know your story, but what struck me from your post was if it was you did the unfaithfulness bit and went of too egypt or anywhere else and then decided u wanted to come back, would he take you back??

How awful, BB. My total sympathy. As regards ME patterns of thought, I have no experience in the relationship arena, but one thing I noticed with my SO's business colleagues and contacts was the importance of not 'losing face' or being seen to cause someone else to lose face. I'd read about this before moving to Dubai, but was interested to see it in practice - often, it seemed to come down to a deliberate lack of directness. People stopped answering phonecalls or emails rather than say a direct 'no' to a request or proposal. Might this be a large part of what's going on here? Your husband feels he can't ask you directly to take him back because if you say no, it's a huge loss of face...? Not that this makes it any more pleasant for you.

Big Bertha, lovely to see you, how you doin'? Good for your son, you stick to your guns. Cannot help you with Middle Eastern Logic, have trouble enough with my own Greek mother-in-law (my husband left home when he was 18 years old to get away from the Greek family, but still, even now, fulfils his filial duty as an only child putting her before his family, at least financially). When did the Other Woman dump him? (You don't have to answer that, but it is obviously going to be a factor in his behaviour. Up to you, without pressure from anyone else, to decide what you want to do now.) Good luck. Look after yourself. You're doing fine.

is it the loosing face thing, you can ask and he can accept. but he can't ask and you accept.

Hugs to you BB! There is no logic at all sadly, just the way some cultures are. If he really repents his actions then he must do all the work to prove he has changed. Why on earth should you 'ask' him back? Do you even [i'>want[/i'> him back? From what I remember you are much better off without him anyway. If you do want him back then maybe you could make it a bit easier for him by agreeing to meet him, but I would say he has some serious talking / repenting and [i'>proving[/i'> to you that he has changed before you even consider letting him back near the house. Good luck.

because he is a coward and wants you to beg him to come home rather than say he did anything wrong and beg you to let him come home. BB, you have started a new life, listen to your kids, reread everything you have written. You have a life. this time next year will be 12 months in your new life.....live it well :)